Justin Sullivan/Getty Images

I’m an Apple products guy. I’ve been exclusively an iPhone user since 2008 (I believe) when I chucked my T-Mobile Sidekick LX. My personal computers of choice are all Apples. There are three iPads in my home. I own an Apple TV, and when I’m hungry, I eat apples. We don’t play with our Apple consumption ’round here. So, it only made sense that I’d want an Apple Watch.

I like watches, in general, though I’d never been willing to spend hundreds of dollars on one. Despite the thrifty nature of my watch procurement, I’d often received compliments on my fairly paltry watch collection. I think this is how H&M and Aldo stay in business: cheap shit that looks good. Just don’t expect it to last forever.

Advertisement

I’d wanted an Apple Watch, natch, since it first hit the market, but I have kids; there was no way I could justify spending that much money on one. I don’t even buy shoes that cost more than $200 (typically, anyway), so an expensive watch just wasn’t in the cards.

But I saw that all the cool kids had them. Also, all the uncool kids had them, too. I’ve long wondered if somebody didn’t hit an Apple truck and pass them joints out to entire cities because for a watch that’s so expensive, a lot of people sure do have them shits.

Anyway, the longer I went without one, the more I wanted to get one. Well, that opportunity presented itself recently, and I was like, “You should do something nice for yourself!” So I moseyed on over to Best Buy after a Target run (where I didn’t spend $100) and bought myself an Apple Watch 2 plus the Apple Care package for it, along with the way-too-big box for the watch. I had entered the Apple Watch club, and I couldn’t wait to get started.

Bruh.

I’ve NEVER in my life wished I could undo a purchase so much in my life. Listen, it’s a cute watch and is definitely pretty to look at, but this shit is like a really expensive Fitbit that has the potential to kill me way more than I was prepared for (it’s basically Moniece from Love & Hip Hop: Hollywood). You’d like a for instance, wouldn’t you? I got you.

Advertisement

For instance, this bitch is GPS-enabled. So, you know how you throw an address into the Maps app on your iPhone and it spits out the directions in whatever accent you prefer (I’m partial to the British-woman accent)? Well, the Apple Watch sends those directions to the phone to tell you when you need to turn and where you need to turn. Seems convenient, right? Except you have to look at the gotdamn watch to do this. It’s still a watch, my G.

Shit freaked me out the first time it happened, and I looked at my watch like an Amber Alert had gone off and nobody told me. In order for that functionality to work, I have to take my eyes off the road.

This actually highlights the big issue with an Apple Watch ... it’s a fucking watch. You can’t type out text messages on it because the watch face is too small, so it’s basically a monitoring system for all your alerts, which is cool purely for notifications. But many require me to get on the phone anyway to engage with them. If you have a Bluetooth headset included, it’s not so bad, because you can answer the phone with the watch (which you can likely also do with your Bluetooth headset) or change music on the watch (which you can also do with your Bluetooth headset—or at least I can with mine).

You know how iPads are basically really big iPhones without a phone capability, and iPhones are really small computers without physical keyboards? Well, Apple Watches are just really expensive alert systems with lots of fitness functionality. Though if you’re going to pop for the Fitbit Blaze, I feel like you might as well get an Apple Watch (if you have an iPhone) because it’s way cooler.

Look, I’m sure some of you outchea have Apple Watches and they make you happy. They do things you didn’t know they could do (if they do, please let me know) or some shit. Moi? This is a big-ass waste of money. One of the few times I decided to spoil myself on a trinket, and all I have to show for it is how pretty it is. However, since I wasted all my good government check on it, you can bet your ass that I’m wearing this ho ARYDAY.

If you’re thinking about getting an Apple Watch, as long as you don’t expect it to be super useful, I think you’re winning. Anything else? Is uncivilized.