According to several sources, Nia Long, the baddest actress who has ever lived, is apparently engaged to long-time boyfriend Ime Udoka. I am happy about this. Because, by doing things like "existing" and "sitting while appearing on screen," Nia Long has been making me happy for over 20 years. So being happy about her happiness is the right thing to do.
Now, I imagine some of you are thinking "Wait. Nia Long is bad. But the baddest? I don't think so. What about Halle Berry? Kerry Washington? Lisa Nicole Carson? Stacey Dash before she got all Santorum? That chick who played "Ronnie" in The Players Club?" And to that I say, "Shut up. No, seriously. Shut the fuck up. SHUT THE FUCK UP."
Nia Long is the baddest actress who has ever lived. No one has ever been or will ever be badder than Nia Long, and she's spent her entire career proving it, including…
1. That time in Love Jones she looked out the window all wistfully and it was raining and she had a scarf on and the scarf had little petal doodles on it.
2. That time in The Best Man when she danced with Taye Diggs and looked him dead in his eyes without saying anything about how much of a cornball he would prove to be in the following years.
3. That time she sat behind the desk in Boiler Room with her flawless skin and exquisite ears and probably wondered "Are any Black people watching this movie?" (Yes, Nia. I was watching.)
4. That time she was on The Fresh Prince and she had on a flannel shirt and just looked so damn cool and sexy in large part because flannel was randomly cool and sexy for like three years in the early 90s.
5. That time in Boyz n The Hood when Cuba Gooding Jr. was punching the air and she was sitting on the couch all like "I see you punching the air over there. But I'm sitting over here."
6. That time in The Best Man Holiday she held the sexist knife ever. Actually, maybe the knife wasn't sexy. Maybe Nia is so sexy that the knife became sexy by osmosis.
7. That time in Soul Food where she totally looked like a member of Total.
8. That time in Friday she brought an entire generation of pre-teen Black males through puberty.
9. That time in Single Mom's Club when she answered the phone like "This is Nia Long. Who is this?"
10. That time on Third Watch where she was about to do some fierce cop shit to a criminal. But when the criminal saw it was Nia Long he surrendered. And then proposed. And then she smiled.