I eat chitlins occasionally, but I know some of y’all bougie Negroes don’t. And I also know that some of y’all chitlin doubters will be with friends’ or your new partner’s family over the holidays for the first time. And there might be chitlins present. And you might be wondering what to say or do to get out of eating them without offending anyone.
Well, you’ve come to the right place.
Works better than most food-allergy declarations because, instead of the instant disdain and dismissal that comes when random-ass pollen or potato allergies are articulated, a pork allergy will be met with sadness and empathy.
2. “My grandmother used to make them, and I haven’t eaten them since she died because they remind me of her.”
Again, gets the sympathy points while also cementing your status as a veteran chitlin eater. Extra bonus points for effort and shamelessness if your grandma is actually dead.
Not only do you get out of eating them—they’ll be so impressed that you ate some before even brushing your teeth that you might get extra pound cake. And who doesn’t want extra pound cake?
If you want to find a creative way to get out of chitlin eating, allow for a generous helping on your plate, and then look toward the living room TV and blurt, “Is that Beyoncé?”
When everyone turns to look, dump the pig innards back into the gutbucket.
If they ask how you’re so sure that Jesus was feasting on swine ’testines, remind them that’s probably why he drank so much wine. They’ll be too busy trying to figure that out to even care about your refusal of the pork meats.
Establishes, again, that you’re a veteran chitlin eater while also requesting a combination of foods to eat with them that they probably don’t have in the kitchen at the moment.
But although useful and efficient, this is the most dangerous excuse. Because if they do happen to have croissants and pickles, you’re stuck now eating chitlins with croissants and pickles like a fucking raccoon.
Of course they’ll say, “Of course!” Which now gives you leeway to spend the next 47 minutes taking pictures of them and selfies with them instead of eating them. #ChitlinSelfies.
Of course, that Tupperware is getting hurled into a dumpster as soon as the coast is clear, but they don’t know that.
This’ll give you an out because no one puts chitlins in the microwave. Chitlins are either heated on a stove or with the heat emitted from the flames from Confederate monuments set on fire.
Of course, this requires some foresight because you’ll have to prepare and bring a vat of chitlins just in case you might be asked to eat some. Which is why, if you decide to do this, instead of chitlins, just chop some lightly fried bacon into little pieces and soak them in Vaseline, and they won’t be able to tell the difference.