New Year’s resolutions are fun. They’re also notoriously hard to sustain, and ultimately we only come up with them because other people do and we hate it when we’re at dinner and going around the table and we don’t have shit to say. So here are things many of us say that we know aren’t real but we believe they are at first.
In the new year ...
1. “I won’t be as petty.”
Being petty is fun and necessary and ultimately makes us all feel better. We suck at this because we’re supposed to suck at this.
2. “I will stop being so judgmental.”
If you’re reading this, it’s too late; you’ve already judged me for putting this at No. 2 and it’s not even a ranking. Judgmental motherfucker.
3. “I will give more to charity.”
Jan. 4 February, your bank starts looking like a 501(c)(3) organization.
4. “I will be nicer to people.”
Sounds good. Is good. Except this only works if other people resolve to do this shit, too. News flash: They don’t.
5. “I will pray more.”
Considering it seems like we’re in the last days, you’d think we’d all be on this wave anyway. But yeah.
6. “I will be less careless and pay more attention.”
Mmhmm. Youse a whole-ass lie while you walk right past that shit on the stairwell that you dropped there two days ago.
7. “I will get fewer speeding tickets.”
Requires you to pay more attention. See No. 6.
8. “I will be less critical of other people’s lives and realize that what they do has nothing to do with me.”
Probably requires you to spend less time on social media.
9. “I will spend less time on social media and more time with myself.”
Said while waking up to the phone that sleeps next to you in bed that you can’t put down because you have insomnia and you do really wonder what’s up with that dude you used to go to school with who married the girl with the pug. Eww ... they broke.
10. “I will be on time more.”
Requires a lifestyle change. Or a traumatic event. It’s just a new year, not Jesus.