Quincy Jones’ recent viral interviews have proved that he’s thoroughly fuck-deprived. And also, to quote the homie Sai Grundy, “the antithesis of Sway”—because while Sway AIN’T GOT THE ANSWERS, Quincy Jones definitely does.
He has so many answers, in fact, that we’d like him to put his Negrodamus powers to good use and solve some pressing and pertinent mysteries for us, including ...
1. Who killed Biggie and Tupac?
2. In New Jack City, how exactly did Nino Brown plan to make change out of G-Money’s “5-dollar ass?” (Did he have a special reverse ATM available or something? Special insights, perhaps, on how light-skinned niggas bleed pennies?)
3. Why is there no hateration or holleration in the dancery? (Does the dancery just have really tight security?)
4. If Destiny’s Child were breakfast food and Beyoncé were bacon, what would Kelly and Michelle be? (I suspect this is a question only I care about.)
5. Who exactly is Becky with the gooooooooood hair?
6. Them kids really Michael’s?
7. But really, why didn’t Will’s dad want him? (Was it because they looked absolutely nothing alike and he always had suspicions about paternity?)
8. Why does every black pastor also know how to sing? (And why am I the only person bothered by this arbitrary and eerie coincidence?)
9. If we keep inviting white people to this cookout, are we going to have to retroactively unseason all of the meat?
10. Who is the rightful owner of the peppermint cane—Christmas trees or Kappas?