The danger of being a Black person in the vicinity of a police officer is well-documented, as everything from "driving while Black" to "being Black while Black" has been proven to be an arrestable and often even fatal offense. But law enforcement isn't the only thing specifically dangerous to us.
1. Shitty Potato Salad
Should just be called "The Black Mamba," because one bite of shitty potato salad will definitely kill you. And then reincarnate you so you can kill the person who made it.
2. After Hours Clubs
Panama touched on this last week, but even his description didn't fully encapsulate how deadly the after hours club is. Let me put it this way: There's a popular after hours club in Pittsburgh. It was once called the Travelers Social Club. And then The Trappers Club. And now I have no idea if it's still open. But I do know that if Pittsburgh had 60 homicides in a year, at least 58 of them would be somehow related to that space. And 15 of those 58 would somehow involve chicken wing orders.
Basically, if you're Black, and you see an after hours club walking towards you, run!
Prolonged ashiness was actually the third leading cause of death of Blacks before the discovery of shea butter. We've pretty much eradicated it since then. But, unfortunately, there are still sporadic outbreaks of people suffering from and dying of untreated ash. We need to do better, America.
4. Bad Haircuts
He's dead now. You cant survive that.
Baron Davis too.
Rest in power, homie.
5. Rewatching Good Times today with the realization that James and Florida Evans were actually 59 years apart
Make sure to get all of your finances and legal documents in order before you do this. Because you will not be able to look at Good Times the same way ever again. And it will kill you.
6. Witnessing someone eat cottage cheese straight from the cottage cheese cup
Actually saw this happen two years ago. And I died. Luckily, there was a defibrillator near by to resuscitate me. But then I woke up, saw the person place another full spoonful of cottage cheese on their tongue, and died again.
7. Standing in the way of the dance floor when the Wobble comes on
Every Black person — tall or short, man or woman, light or dark, Kappa or straight — has lost at least one loved one in a Wobble Stampede. It is the tie that binds us all. The chain that connects us. The link that…links us.
8. Men nicknamed Junebug
No one knows what an actual junebug is. But we're all no more than 1.5 degrees of separation from someone named Junebug. My theory? Men named Junebug killed all the junebugs. And if they're able to kill all the junebugs, they won't think twice about killing you.
9. A shitty-ass kid publicly disrespecting a parent
The number of Black people who've died in Walmarts, Targets, and another supermarkets after witnessing a kid cuss out a parent is just too large, too vast to count. It brings me a deep sadness to think of all the Black lives lost in frozen food aisles after seeing some six-year-old call his mother a bitch. It is one of America's great tragedies.
10. Thinking you're only going to spend 30 minutes at the barbershop/hair salon/nail shop, but getting there early Tuesday and leaving late Thursday instead
Death by Barbershop Wait is an especially cruel way to die. Because…
A) You're dead
B) You're gonna get buried without a fresh fade.