10 Things Everyone Loves but I Pretty Much Hate

Illustration for article titled 10 Things Everyone Loves but I Pretty Much Hate
Photo: Joe Raedle (Getty Images)

So there’s an unpopular opinion prompt thing going around Facebook—where you’re asked to list 10 things everyone loves but you kinda hate. I sometimes get annoyed with these sort of things because people don’t follow the rules and just start listing things that everyone hates (“1. funerals.”), but thankfully people haven’t been doing that with this. Good job!

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Anyway, since I enjoy few things more than telling people what I don’t enjoy, here’s mine.

1. Rooting for sports teams

Rooting for the actual players you enjoy watching instead of the laundry they happen to be wearing just feels more rewarding.

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2. Overly charismatic men

Does this mean I hate most preachers, salesmen, entertainers, promoters, public speakers and politicians? Yes, yes it does. Hate is probably too strong a word. It’s more...I just feel like they’re disingenuous—like they’re always running game—even if they’re sincere.

3. Tweeting

I’ll read the shit out of some tweets. But the act of tweeting itself is a chore.

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4. Eating desserts after dinner

Usually too full by then. Dessert should be a separate activity and not an attachment to a meal. Eating it after dinner just means you don’t take dinner or desserting seriously, and you should be banned from food.

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5. Coffee

Tastes like grit water.

6. Selfies

Just feel like I look better in pictures other people take.

7. Greeting cards

One day I’ll write about how the greeting card industry is America’s biggest grift. Hallmark has been scamming the world for decades and no one cares.

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8. Shopping at Trader Joe’s

I don’t hate it. It’s just...cool, I guess. But the way some of y’all talk about it, you’d think Trader Joes was Magic City. I’m happy you found your sodium-reduced turkey bacon, but settle the fuck down.

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9. Listening to keynote speakers

Moderated Q&As are always better than this. No one wants to hear your TedTalk, Kim.

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10. Nostalgia

Nah. I’m good.

Honorable mention: Being proud of being petty

Don’t know when it became popular to be proud of being a dick to people, but please put those dicks away now.

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Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)

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DISCUSSION

7. Greeting cards

One day I’ll write about how the greeting card industry is America’s biggest grift. Hallmark has been scamming the world for decades and no one cares.

I am in no way affiliated with the Hallmark company, but I had a birthday last week, so I’ve got to respond to this. I received dozens of birthday well wishes on social media, and a handful of cards in the mail. The cards mean a lot more because logging onto facebook and getting a birthday reminder is easy; remembering someone has a birthday (or special event) approaching, getting a card, filling it out, and mailing it in time is a lot more work. I know some of the halfhearted birthday wishes come from people who rarely think of me, but every card I get means I was on someone’s mind prior to my birthday, and they felt I was important enough to send a card*.

*With the exception of Marlboro. When I did smoke, I collected Marlboro miles and redeemed them for lots of stuff, so the company has had me on their mailing lists since the 20th century. I quit smoking in 2006, but every year I still get a birthday card from Marlboro. I know I’m not important to Marlboro, but the birthday card and coupons are a remind that big tobacco will welcome me back whenever I choose.