It’s a day during a week during a year, which means we were overdue for another fun round of “President Obama is a Muslim”; the game which is basically the conservative’s version of spades. I actually wouldn’t even be surprised if some of them had regular “President Obama is a Muslim” game nights and potlucks, where they gathered in people’s living rooms to eat bad casserole and lazy guacamole and play “President Obama is a Muslim” Monopoly and “President Obama is a Muslim” Taboo.
Of course, while Muslim is the most frequent accusation — and, of course, while being "accused" of something implies some sort of criminality, if President Obama was actually Muslim, it wouldn't be a bad thing at all — it isn’t the only thing the President has been accused of being. He's been a terrorist, a socialist, a communist, a Marxist, an illegal alien, an actual alien, a Black Panther, a Black Separatist, an atheist, a racist, a “halfican American,” a Black Hitler, and even the Antichrist.
It’s almost easier to name the things he has not been accused of being. (Yet.)
1. A great basketball player
Although Obama is a huge basketball fan and regularly plays pickup ball, no one would ever accuse a guy who hoops in Sam's Club Nikes of being a great basketball player.
To my knowledge, no one has accused the President of being a Canadian Instagram model who occasionally produces songs about how he “wishes he wasn’t famous anymore so he could keep the promise he made to Brittney at the Dillard’s in Orlando in 2009.”
Is perhaps the only religion the President hasn’t been accused of secretly being a part of. Which kinda surprises me, because all the black and gray he wears could be considered suspiciously Amish-ish.
Not Jesus Christ. Because that has happened too. But “Jesus Shuttlesworth,” Ray Allen’s character from He Got Game. No one sane would do that, though, because he was a fictional character. And a great basketball player.
5. Suffering from Napoleon complex
Although height can be relative — specifically, what makes someone considered “tall” — the President is over six foot, which makes him quite a few inches taller than the average American male. Which means that no one draws a correlation between literally everything he does, good or bad, and his height. No “the only reason Obama signed that treaty is because his shortness makes him insecure.”
6. A deadbeat dad
He apparently knows how to spell both Sasha’s and Malia’s names, and they both apparently know where he lives. This officially makes him a great dad.
7. A vegan
The President very obviously is a carnivore. Which is great. Because if he wasn’t, every conversation with him would go the exact same way.
“Mr. President, any thoughts on the new crime stats?”
“I’m a vegan.”
“That’s it. I just wanted to let you know I’m a vegan.”
8. A big fan of Kanye West
He famously referred to West as a “jackass” after West’s incident with Taylor Swift. Which, ok. Kanye is a jackass. That alone doesn’t mean Obama’s not a fan. But, when the POTUS Playlist was released last summer, there were exactly zero Ye tracks on it.
I don’t know what that means. But let’s just say it definitely can get very cold in Chicago.
9. A guy with a dadbod
My President has abs. Perhaps Vladimir Putin is a better fisherman and hunter, but I’ll take our POTUS in a Crossfit competition any day of the week.
President Obama is clearly left-handed. He writes left-handed, he shoots a basketball left-handed, and he even gestures left-handed. With all this documented evidence of President Obama being left-handed — literally decades worth — only a clearly delusional and slightly insane person would accuse him of being a righty.
Which means we should expect “Obama is a right handed Muslim!” to be a thing at the next GOP debate.