I’m not a foodie. I have no aspirations to be referred to as somebody with a, hmm, awesome (?) palate. I don’t know what you call people with distinguished (?) palates. I had to look up how to properly spell palate right there. I eat what pleases me and will order it over and over again until I find a new thing that pleases me. I am not above ordering chicken tenders; I like chicken tenders. This is why I like my simple foods to remain simple.

So imagine my dismay as all of these gourmet, cheftastic-ass pizza places spread like wildfire. It’s not lost on me that the growth of these handcrafted, hipster-driven spots has coincided with the increased popularity of shit like kale and other things that are like kale that I’m not aware of because I still order chicken tenders well into my third decade of life. #DontJudgeMeEvenThoughYouAlreadyHaveSoStopJudgingMe


Now, look, Pierre, you can put anything on your Tombstone that you’d like. You can have whatever you like, pretty much. But some things just go too far. I think after some point, once you’ve added certain things to a “pizza,” it’s no longer pizza. It’s now a staged-and-plated breadstick.

With that in mind, let me go ahead and offend the sensibilities of all who are reading who fancy themselves as foodies or pizza aficionados. There are certain items that mine eyes have seen while not looking at the glory and guffawed. I guffawed with incredulity. It is with incredulous guffawcity that I say there are absolutely certain things that do not belong on pizza.

Pizza is pizza, for cripes’ sake. Let it ... pizza in peace. I realize that my protestations shall fall on deaf ears, since freedom of choice is a liberating thing (see what I did there?), and I’ve seen some of you waltzing out of various spots with these culinary quagmires. With that being said, here are 10 items that do not belong on pizza, in no particular order, but you all don’t read anyway, so go ahead and fight like they’re being ranked.


And I realize that limiting pizza toppings is rude and not nice. However, call me a stickler for traditional toppings. Also, why do people put such crazy things on pizza anyway? It’s not pizza after that; it’s a veggie bread tray. But alas, it’s your party—you can cry if you want to.

1. Brussels Sprouts

Listen, I don’t like these shits on my nonpizza plate. ON a pizza? I’ll pass, Chris Paul.


2. Squash

See Brussels sprouts, though I don’t mind squash when I don’t know squash is there.

3. Arugula

Just, for why?

4. Kiwi

Yes, I did had saw this. And yes it turned my usage of English bad.

5. Broccoli

I actually like raw broccoli a lot. Cooked and steamed? Not so much. Raw Cooked Steam might be an awesome name for a wrestler or white stripper who loves “Pour Some Sugar on Me,” but neither of those forms of broccoli belongs on a pizza, fam.


6. Cauliflower

Y’all don’t trust white folks but are good with white vegetables? Yeah, OK.

7. Buffalo Winged Chicken

You can’t just be out here mixing your lazy foods all willy-nilly. Naw. You eat wings or you eat pizza. On many occasions you get pizza AND wings. It’s OK for them to live on their own. GIVE THEM FREE.


8. Shrimp

NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO. Pizza is not seafood. Keep your crabmeats off that pizza pie, too.

9. Chickpeas


10. Snow Peas

Le sigh.