After giving star running back Ray Rice a paltry two game suspension for punching his then-fiancee (now wife) unconscious and dragging her body through the hotel they were staying at — an act caught on film — the NFL has proven again that it gives less than two fucks about the demographic that comprises over 50% of its fanbase. (If I had to guess, I'd say the NFL gives exactly .16 fucks.)
To wit, here's a small list of things that, through their actions, the NFL has kinda, sorta, said are far more important to them than women.
Dogs. The NFL shield. Weed. Fertility drugs. The potential distraction caused by employing a bench-warming homosexual. 350 pound men getting bullied. Stealing plays. Getting suspended…in college. Adderall. The money made from the bogus breast cancer campaign every year. Making sure everyone knows how much they care about dogs.
I'm sure you know all of this already, though. This is all very public and very conspicuous knowledge the league makes no effort to conceal because it knows it has a vice grip on America's heart, America's balls, and America's clit.
That said, I'm not here to pile on. I'm all about the silver linings, and since the NFL's season is near, I found a few. Basically, don't fret too much about the NFL's apathy towards women. Why? Well, women are far from the bottom of the NFL's totem pole. There are dozens — hundreds, even — of things the NFL cares even less about than it cares about women, including…
1. The Thai spicy shrimp fried rice I just ate for dinner
Look. Say what you want about the NFL. But trust me when I tell you the NFL definitely cares more about women than it does about the Thai spicy shrimp friend rice I just ate for dinner. Lemme put it this way: If "women" and the "Thai spicy shrimp fried rice I just ate for dinner" were both in a burning building, the NFL would definitely save the women.
2. Ziggy Sobotka's storyline in season two of The Wire
The NFL definitely cares more about Frank Sobotka than it cares about women. It even cares more about Nick Sobotka than it cares about women. But Ziggy is pushing it.
3. All the Jordan Brand sneakers that aren't actually Jordans
Because no one, not even the NFL, gives a damn about any of those shoes.
4. That story you always tell about that time you found a $5 bill at Target and gave it to a confused security guard because you were being a good Samaritan
If "That story you always tell about that time you found a $5 bill at Target and gave it to a confused security guard because you were being a good Samaritan" happened to call the NFL while the NFL was on the phone with "women," the NFL would definitely send "That story you always tell about that time you found a $5 bill at Target and gave it to a confused security guard because you were being a good Samaritan" straight to voicemail, and wouldn't even listen to the message.
Because fuck kale.
6. The state of Ohio
You can make a strong argument the NFL cares more about the state of Ohio than it does about women. A very strong argument. But, the argument falls apart when you realize the NFL put both the Browns and the Bengals in Ohio, proving it cares less about Ohio than it cares about women.
7. The pocketless blue jeans Dominican and Puerto Rican women at my college wore when I was in college
I do not know if Dominican and Puerto Rican women still wear pocketless blue jeans. There just isn't a big enough sample of them in Pittsburgh to do a study. But, I'm assuming they don't anymore. And since they don't, the NFL doesn't really have much of a reason to care about them. At least not as much as they care about women.
8. Fruit salad with no watermelon or pineapples
There are few things people — the NFL included — care less about than we care about fruit salad overpopulated with off-brand melons. In fact, if "all the care people in the world had for fruit salad overpopulated with off-brand melons" and "the NFL's care for women" were both on a seesaw, "the NFL's care for women" would likely still be down.
9. The second verse of Lift Ev'ry Voice and Sing
Because while every Black person in America knows the first verse by heart, no one — no one! — knows the words to the second verse of Lift Ev'ry Voice and Sing. And since no one actually knows the words to the second verse of Lift Ev'ry Voice and Sing, I strongly doubt the NFL cares more about this than they care about women.
10. Black women
Because there's no way in hell Ray Rice would have just received a two game suspension if he was caught on tape knocking out and dragging an unconscious Taylor Swift.