10 Things Worse Than Slavery, According To Ben Carson

Win McNamee/Getty Images
Win McNamee/Getty Images

While on Meet the Press last weekend, unintentionally ironic neurosurgeon Ben Carson compared abortion to slavery, stating “During slavery, a lot of the slave owners thought that they had the right to do whatever they wanted to that slave. Anything that they chose to do. And what if the abolitionists had said, ‘I don’t believe in slavery. I think it’s wrong, but you guys do whatever you want to do.’ Where would we be?

I imagine many of you are reading this and wondering how and why Carson felt the need to make that analogy. Some of you might have even re-read my previous paragraph twice, just to make sure you weren’t missing anything. And I’m sure a couple of you even googled this quote, just to make sure it wasn’t taken out of context. If you did any of this, you did it because you’re a sane person. And, like most sane people, you probably have trouble understanding why quasi insane people do and say the things they do and say.

Unfortunately, your efforts will be in vain. Because trying to understand why Ben Carson connected abortion to slavery is like asking a box of Pampers Swaddlers for directions to Detroit. All you need to know is that, for whatever reason, Ben Carson likes to compare stuff he doesn’t like to slavery. For instance, here are his thoughts on Obamacare in 2013:

“Obamacare is really, I think, the worst thing that has happened in this nation since slavery”


And here are a few more times Ben Carson may or may not have compared something he didn’t like very much to slavery.

1. Ben Carson on season two of The Wire

“If you’re going to binge watch The Wire — and I recommend that you do — you should probably skip season two, because the way they shift the focus from the streets to the ports is like slavery.”

2. Ben Carson at Wingstop when they brought him blue cheese for his wings instead of ranch dressing

“I clearly asked for ranch. But you trying to bamboozle me with blue cheese — which shares some aesthetic similarities to ranch dressing, so I could have easily been fooled — is worse than slavery.


3. Ben Carson on oral sex

“Look, there are certain places on the human body a mouth is not supposed to go, and if you require me to do that to fulfill my bedroom obligations, you might as well make me a slave.”


4. Ben Carson on waiting in line for the Megabus even though he preordered a ticket that said he didn’t have to wait in line

“Megabus tricks you into buying a ticket early because of promised perks, but switches things up once you get in line. Do you know who else that happened to? East Africans during the transatlantic slave trade, that’s who.”


5. Ben Carson on the Dallas Cowboys still receiving nationally televised games despite having a terrible record

“I’m always forced to watch the Cowboys if I want to watch a 4pm NFL game. When Tony Romo and Dez Bryant are playing, it’s not like slavery. But, when they’re injured, watching the Cowboys when I could be watching the Bengals or the Cardinals is definitely worse than slavery.”


6. Ben Carson on recycling

“A thousand years from now, no one will be able to tell the difference between old Pepsi cans and the leftover vegetarian pasta I finally decided to throw away. But today, I have to put them in separate garbage cans. Slavery won’t seem so bad a thousand years from now either, but we know it is today.”


7. Ben Carson on the concept of gravity

“I want to fly. Forcing me to exist in an atmosphere where I’m unable to fly is like putting chains on me. Figuratively and literally. Fuck you, Einstein.”


8. Ben Carson on his spades partner continually underbidding

“We should have 300 points by now. But because you don’t know how to bid, we only have 210. I can't switch partners mid-hand, though. This is slavery.


9. Ben Carson on a pair of pants he’s been looking for for a few hours but can’t find

“I never know what my wife is doing with my pants. Attempting to find them is like being in a slave auction.”


10. Ben Carson on making sense

“Look, just because you have your own versions of facts and your own understanding of sanity does mean I have to share your beliefs. In fact, asking me to use the same facts you do instead of inventing my own is no different than asking me to be your slave.”

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)

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Ess da 5'6"

I have to think that Ben Carson is doing as well as he is because he checks off all the boxes of bigotry, xenophobia, and misogyny that bigoted, xenophobic, misogynist white men and women love. They can now say, "But, see, that Black man feels the way I do about the Blacks, the Mexicans, the A-rabs, but if I were to say these things publicly, I'd be called racist."

Carson's their proxy is what I'm saying.