(Parkwood/Columbia)

1. I found out that there was a remix to "Flawless" - one of my favorite Beyonce songs because it had me saying "I woke up like dis" for months - at exactly 5pm on Sunday, August 3, 2014. I'm guessing this was 17 hours after it dropped online. At the time of my first listening at roughly 1030pm on this same day, it had about 2.8 million listens on her Soundcloud alone. Why am I sharing all of this? Here's why. I spend a significant amount of time on social media. How in the hell did I not know this existed for a whole 17 hours? I was awake at midnight. I was on IG. How it happen? Why it happen? I'm truly baffled by this. A woman that usually asks me about new hot shit texted me to ask my opinion because she assumed I'd heard it a million times. And I had no idea what she was talking about. I don't know how I feel about this right now, but like your rich homie Quan, I feel some type of way. Somebody failed me.

2. Nicki Minaj's verse on this song is terrible. Actually terrible. Like, I've listened to it at least 5 times (I'm listening to this song as I'm writing this as well) and her verse gets worse with each spin. With that being said, I'm sure there are people who think that Nicki's verse is amazing. Do not trust these people. They do not like big butts so they will probably lie. They should be flogged.  And that's okay. She does say flawless titties though. That made me happy.

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3. I honestly think that this entire remix was created JUST so Queen Bey could drop the elevator line "of course sometime shit goes down when there's a billion dollars on a (sic) elevator". This line makes so little sense that I'm impressed by it. Apparently so was Bey since she repeated it for emphasis. I get it. It's defiant. I can almost hear the neck-roll she clearly did while singing that line as if to say "yaaaaas bitches, recognize!" But again, it makes no sense. Then again, perhaps that's because I've never been around anybody with that much money. At least not close enough to get in an elevator with them. So it's entirely possible that Bey was giving us some extra insight into the life of rich people. Cautionary tale swag and shit. All I know is, if any of you find yourself in elevator with Oprah, be prepared to have to put them paws on her.

4. I have to apologize to some of you all. See, while listening to this remix I realize that this joint sounds a lot like my writing style. As opposed to asking the question "why?" it lives entirely in the realm of "why not?" Like, why throw in the "Spottieottiedopalicious" horns? Fuck that, why not my nigga? This song tried everything. It is all over the place. For some it will be overwhelming. For people like me, its like breathing. I totally write the way my mind works, sometimes for better or worse. Thing is, I'm flawless bitches. So fuck an apology. Eat the cookie face.

What?

Exactly.

5. "Like MJ doctor they killin' me/Propofol, I know they hope I fall" <———- these are the opening bars of Nicki's verse. I'm just saying. See #2

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6. I absolutely love the original "Flawless" as stated above (see #1). This remix mostly made me want to listen to that. And I did. And fell in love with it again. In that sense, this remix was a total win. I even did the flawless hands. Because I did woke up like dis. Speaking of such
let me tell you all a quick story. I went out to eat last weekend with my daughter and our waitress looked like she woke up, just pulled her hair back and came straight to work. No make up, no fancyness. Just "let me go be industrious today". And she looked bad as hell (not bad meaning bad but bad meaning good). So much so, that for a split second, I almost told her that she was "I woke up like dis" hot. But I had my child with me and it would have just felt awkward. But because of Beyonce, "I woke up like dis" has become part of my regular thought processes. I'm not sure what this means, but I'm happy about it.

7. The original "Flawless" and this remix remind me of Rihanna's now defunct IG page and current Twitter practices. Let's be real, Rihanna is the queen of this social media shit. She takes shots at people. She's like the greatest troll ever, doesn't give any fucks about it, and is having fun. Songs like this where Bey goes edgier are attempting to do just that. The point here, as always, Rihanna has won at life. Not for nothing, if I had to pick between the two to hang out with for a day, I'm picking Rihanna 100 times out of 100. I have no idea how we got here. And by here, I mean talking about hanging with Rihanna for a day.

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8. Back to point #3. I think the media uses the term "addresses" way to liberally. I've seen countless articles where the headline states "Beyonce addresses elevator incident with Jay" or something similar. Making a throwaway non-sensical statement about an incident is not addressing it. It is saying something non-sensical about it. But I will give her credit for not letting this particular song die. Think about this: "Bow Down", the original title for the first half of what was to become "Flawless" came out in March of 2013, 8 months before the album dropped in December. It is now August and we're getting a remix?? That is how you stretch out the relevance of a song.

9. While attempting to figure out when the original "Bow Down" dropped I discovered that we have nearly 45 posts here tagged with "Beyonce". That's a lot. However if you do a search for "Beyonce" utilizing our search function it brings back 131 posts where she was mentioned. Jay-Z? 144. I don't know what to do with this information. I'm just sharing.

10. I love you like XO. Okay lady, I love you. Byebye.