Roc Nation

1. Hmm. Okay. That was…something.

2. I know I'm late to the movie Gone Girl, and I realize its had a bit of a resurgence here on VSB as of late, but between this video and that movie…if we're getting a look into the psyche of pissed off women, I'm off the boat, yo. I'm voting myself off the island. I've got kids. I'm cool. I mean let's be real…we don't even really know how much money Rih-Rih got taken for. Was it $20? Was it $20 million? I've seen more money on a tier-2 strip club floor than the "accountant" was shooting out of his lil money gun. If that was lots of ones, that could have been like $2,000. Is it just the principle here? See, that's what's scary; principled motherfuckers - and Rihanna had the principled look - will take your cookies over the idea of not getting paid. Business is not always business, fam. Sheesh.

3. How fucked up do you truly have to be to kidnap a motherfucker and take them on a joy(less) ride of torture and mayhem? I'm not a vodka drinker at this point in my life so watching them pour Ciroc down that poor woman's throat almost made me hurl. I felt the same way when I tried to take a triple shot of gin once - at band camp, no less - and nearly collapsed and blacked out because gin is Satan's piss. I've never been to band camp by the way. However, the rest of that shit is true. Never drink gin.

HOL' DE FON!

4. Because I don't pay much attention to the wonderful world of Rihanna, I wasn't aware that at one point in her career, due to her accountant, she was actually damn near bankrupt.  How y'all not just gon' don't tell me that? So this video is like a wet dream of sorts?

Nigga.

Bruh.

Off the island, b.

5. On a happy note, that white chick (I'm sure I could find out who she is, but I'm lazy) has some good boobs. Foobs, maybe? When she was hanging upside down they managed to stay quite perky. I remember once a friend of mine did a handstand and…you know what? Never mind. Point is, those were some perky upside down boobs. Which means they're probably foobs. Right? Ladies?

Advertisement

6. So here's one of those things I've always wondered about because the anecdotal evidence seems to contradict itself: there's the scene where one of Rih-Rih's stooges hits the chick over the head with a bottle as she's about to potentially scream for help to the sheriff that drives by and is knocked out cold. Now, I've seen a mofo get hit over the head with a bottle once at DC Live back in the day. Dude didn't exactly go down for the count, but he also just got hit over the head with a bottle, ya know. It definitely phased him. So does a bottle knock you out or just phase you? Does it matter what kind of bottle it is? Does your body weight matter? How about if its like, a Ciroc bottle that's super sturdy versus say, a bottle of Hpnotiq which looked nice but not nearly as strong? And when do you throw the skittles? What determines this? In the movies, quite a few folks have been taken out by bottles. Just so you know, if you hit me over the head with a bottle, there's a really good chance I'm going down on principle.

7. Fam, the scene in the pool where Rihanna is holding the woman under the water when the same sheriff dudes comes by again? That's just evil.

8. Rihanna is one sexy woman. Despite the blood, evil, cruelty, and all around calculated torture, I still kept looking at her like, ya know what, that is one sexy woman. That see-through, plastic-y, body suit thing she had on? Good googly moogly. It's the same feeling I had about Zoe Saldana in the movie Colombiana. Here's a woman killing people in the most heinous ways possible and all I can focus on is how freakin' hot she looks. It's possible this says more about me than them. In fact I know it does. I'm going to just stop now. But if you're a woman who looks hot killin' people, calllll me Allllllllllllmond. ?#?bae? ?#?iguess?

Advertisement

9. Also, don't trust anybody who owns a trunk big enough to put a human in it. There's really no good reason to own a container that big unless you're last name is Store, first name Container. If I get in an elevator and there's a motherfucker with a trunk that fits me, I'm promptly doing a 180. You will NOT stuff me into a trunk IN AN ELEVATOR. Talk about losing all of your dignity. HOW DO WE FEEL ABOUT THAT DIGNITY, CLARENCE THOMAS?!

10. Do you know the one thing that really stood out aside from the blood, gore, and violence: where the fuck did she find a payphone? And why? I feel like people put payphones in videos as a sign of nostalgia and shit, but Rihanna was on a fucking yacht at one point. She ain't got no cell phone? I haven't seen a payphone in eons. I remember when they removed them all in DC. Do they still exist on rural roads at gas stations? Also, whats the point of the pay phone? Her accountant - the person she called - knew it was her so it ain't like she was anonymously calling him. Did her phone die or something and she didn't have a car charger? Seems like that would be a significant oversight for somebody who has planned and staged a murder and shit. I mean she did shoot a cell phone off the yacht. Presumably AFTER she used the payphone. I'm just saying, the pay phone stuck out to me. These things keep me up at night.