10 Worthwhile Hobbies For These Bored Billionaires Who So Obviously Need Them

Illustration for article titled 10 Worthwhile Hobbies For These Bored Billionaires Who So Obviously Need Them

1. Cross-country road trips, where they drive to different states just to hunt and eat other rich people.

2. Provide funding for a commercial airline where the people who stand when the plane first lands are immediately ejected from it, shot into the atmosphere, and melted by the sun.

3. Go to the moon, and just, like, stay there.

4. Launch a chain of barbershops for black Republican men to finally get decent haircuts—a social good since a lifetime of roasts on their shitty shapeups and bent-as-fuck-blends are probably why they’re Republicans.


5. Invent the world’s first detachable and unbreakable titanium-based hymen, and then hire some goons to super glue it across T.I.’s mouth.

6. Visit each Popeye’s in America, buy all the chicken sandwiches, and then give them to me so I can eat them while y’all dummies wait in line to vote.

7. Buy a blimp, because...well, I don’t really have a good reason why. I’ve just always wanted a blimp, and if I had blimp money I’d go get me a blimp.

8. Teach R. Kelly how to read, just so he’ll finally be able to see exactly how long his prison sentence will be.


9. Invest a billion or so into this really cool and hip and fun black media platform, where everyone who currently works there smells really nice and always has comfortable socks and would thank your generous gift with a lap dance from MSNBC commentator and The Root Politics Editor Jason Johnson.

10. Just give me money.

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)

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Maybe that’s the reason they are billionaires, because I cannot imagine having that much money and being that age, ( or any age for that matter)and wanting to do anything but lay on a beach somewhere and not do shit for the rest of my life.