You can’t outdo black people in most everyday activities. Especially cooking. Food has always been a source of comfort and therapy for us. It brings us closer together during life’s worst, grandest and most lit moments.
I’m a foodie and a kick-ass cook, if I can boast for a minute. Technically, I should call myself a chef. I do always pick the appropriate ingredients to pair with the sometimes edible monstrosities that rear their ugly heads in the food baskets on Chopped. Also, I have prepared jackfruit salsa and shrimp tacos, and they were BOMB.
I am fairly open to eating many foods as well. Hell, I’ve even had tarantula. Don’t judge me. It tastes like fluffy crab, but it’s not as firm as lobster meat.
With that said, there are certain “black foods” that are overrated as fuck. I can legit do without them. And seeing people’s reactions and hearing them try to convince me that somehow “I can’t be doing it right” is hella amusing.
Here are five foods that should be bound to hell (in my Cardi B voice) FUH-EVAH!
5. Fried Chicken Skin
Fried chicken skin is gross. It’s like somebody’s Big Mama jacked Leatherface’s mask, fried it until it was extra crunchy and then wrapped it around juicy, well-seasoned meat. And telling black folks that you don’t partake in the consumption of fried chicken skin is like telling them you drink beer with a straw.
It makes me want to gag, and seeing chicken skin raw doesn’t help. Jesus be a fence around that film that’s between the skin and the meat. I can’t do it. I peel the skin off completely, season, batter and then fry. It’s the only way to do it.
And it’s still crunchy.
4. Runny-Ass Egg Yolks
The fuckery of breakfast foods. The consumption of runny egg yolks is done by people who eat after not washing their hands before leaving the bathroom. And watching “those people” sopping their wheat toast and jelly into a salmonella smoothie like it’s milk and cookies makes my stomach turn.
Who thought that THIS should be a thing, and why do people follow it?
Gravy originated in Europe during the 16th century. It was made from meat fat, where it was rendered, thickened and served with bread or potatoes. I can only guess that Dwights grew weary of eating seasonless meat and bland-ass potatoes. You can only do so much with a big-ass turkey leg and full side of beef or lamb, right?
Black folks “perfected” gravy, however, with food that’s already been seasoned and blessed by the hands of Black Jesus in your favorite auntie’s kitchen; we don’t really need it. It’s a distraction ... and it’s thick. As fuck.
Do black people even eat shepherd’s pie and Yorkshire pudding?
Besides, making the other food on the plate, which DOESN’T require gravy, wet ain’t the business. Soggy-ass biscuits AIN’T THE BUSINESS.
2. Any Kind of Meat in Greens
Negroes SWEAR by ham hocks, turkey necks or wings in greens.
I grew up eating meat in collards and turnip greens, and I’ve always hated it. I don’t want to have an MMA fighting match with bones and shit when I am trying to make a love connection in my belly between greens and cornbread.
Meat isn’t needed to re-create a smoky or earthy flavor, which is why meat is, supposedly, added in the first place. The same result can be achieved by adding a spice like cumin. It works. TRUST ME! Remember, I competed on Chopped (in my head).
And last but not least ... the food that can kick rocks for eternity unless served with colossal prawns, scallions, bacon pieces and cheese:
Grits are one of the most overrated and debated foods to grow on God’s green earth, and they can rest eternally in the trash—especially if you are dousing those shits with sugar.
Yeah, I said it.
It’s a legitimate waste of perfectly savory corn on the cob. I mean, farina is what grits wanted to be but didn’t quite pull off. The Ray J to Brandy, if you will, of ground milled grains.
It is the staple of every black mama’s breakfast, and unfortunately, there are many black mamas, so as a kid ... I couldn’t avoid them.
I thank God for becoming an adult. I don’t have to be subjected to eating this gah-bage ever again. There is peace of mind now that I can throw the WHOLE-ASS plate away and nobody can do anything about it. I know I’m being judged, and I can absolutely live with that.