In case the title didn't inform you, I'm here for Moniece. Granted, its 99 percent all fun and games. If I ran into her in real life, I PRAY that I'd have the sense to turn around and run like Usain Bolt. But, I know me. Which means, I'd probably end up on a date with her where I'd used words like delusional, crazy, and happy family and she'd fly across the table, police would be called, and I'd get a call from Mona Scott-Young about starring on the next iteration of Love & Hip Hop.
But last night was another edition of shenanigans and tomfoolery brought to you by a group of also rans, never weres, and ain't gon' bes.
This episode opens up with Berg laying out the red carpet, champagne, and chocolate covered skrawburries for Teiarra Mari JUST to listen to the mix of ONE song?!??! Not even a whole album. A song. Uno. Unicycle. Hell if this is what happens when Berg makes a song for you, I might want to see if Young Hitmaka can create me a single. OOOOKAY??!?
But seriously, I'm sure this is not what happens 99 percent of the time. To be fair, the song does sound good. Not good enough to drop champagne on a chick. But I'm partial to whiskey anyway. Berg sounds like he's trynna mack, Teairra is like back back gimme 50 feet. They talk about Hazel and I realized that TMurda ain't put them paws on nobody recently, which is kind of her thing. Luckily, my #bae Moniece is all up and thoo this episode. Yes, thoo.
Masika and Hazel do pilates. Le yawn.
But then we get to some meat. This cannot be stated enough, I am SO over Lil Fizz at this point. Everything he says sounds like the exact opposite of what should be said. This nigga is the King of Role Reversals. Out here trynna find a new mommy for his son, got his chick cheating on him, throwing it in his face, and him still waiting for her to SAY the right things so he can keep her around and not trust her so that they can continue to fight for another six months. His chick was avoiding his calls ONLY to pull up on the scene (no word on if the ceiling was missing or not) in the car NEXT to Fizz with the dude she cheated on him with before? THEN she rolls up on him like, "look, that situation is done. You gotta let it go boo. Free Meeshie ho."
Amanda is a nigga. Sorry. But she's saying EVERYTHING a typical dude would say in these instances. Then here comes Fizz sounding like a scorned babymama. Shit, Fizz IS a scorned baby mama. BUT Amanda flipped the FUCK out of the script later. Fizz and Moniece go take a look at the house he's looking to buy for him and his son. If you want to know how far that B2K money has gone…this nigga has been living at home with his momma. B2K was one of the biggest things in music…and he was living at home with his momma. Go on and marinate on that for a minute. Upcoming arists…if you don't own your own publishing, you don't make shit. Once that tour money runs out its a wrap, b.
Anyway, Moniece out here lookin' like the big piece of chicken (to me anyway) talking to Fizz about Amanda being givin' the boot and how she needs $130,000 to get her business off the ground.
I said this on the tweets last night, but let me share here: If you need $130,000 to get your business off the ground, you don't have a business. You have a dream. Period. Also, she's selling heated dicks (as Fizz calls them). Nigga.
They kind of flirt and part ways before they end up smashing (which seems like it was a possibility), which is good because Moniece is nuts. She thinks she should be able to come to his home whenever she wants. Where dey do dat at? Fizz ain't completely stupid, we see. Amanda shows up at the hiznayee to try to make amends for being a totally untrustworthy trollop and Fizz tells her that Moniece is trynna get back in there and she flips her wig, making up the strangest rules ever about bachelorhood. Apparently them breaking up doesn't really mean breaking up. It's like on Seinfeld where Costanza tried to break up with the chick who was like no. Amanda went full nigga on him in the whole…oh so we take a break and you out here talkin' to other bitches?!?!? She all of a sudden misses him and is like, "hey, I deaded all my fuckery…like this morning. Don't sweat it and I don't appreciate you telling me that I ain't being straight with you." Typical nigga shit. She's textbook, fam. Textbook. All of a sudden Amanda thinks she can make demands of Fizz. I hate her and Fizz. A lot.
Moniece and Amanda meet up (since, why not?) and this is where things get all basketball wife. They talk and Amanda starts tossing around trigger words for crazy motherfuckers. You know, words like "crazy" and "delusional" and she goes at her as a mother, which is a major no-no. Here's a little lesson for you all out there who have never dealt with a crazy motherfucker (I have, by the way). Crazy people do NOT like being called crazy. That's actually how you know when a nigga is crazy. Toss that word at them and check their reaction. If they scoff it off, they cool. If they immediately focus on you calling them "crazy", run yo. Run. When you see niggas start to get in their zone (you remember how Kanye said not to let him get in his zone and we all know he's nuts), it is best to diffuse….not pour lightning fluid on.
When you see crazy, you get away from crazy. That's simple. But when you see motherfuckers start to PRAY not to whip your ass??? My g. You shake it fast, yo. There's a certain level of…look…people who have to pray not to murder you are committing rational acts of violence. They know what they are going to do and seeking guidance from a higher power not to do it. They know what's about to happen because its on purpose. Those people are the scariest people on the planet because not only do they have no chill, they believe their entire lack of chill is justified and YOUR FAULT at all times. That's real nutso. That's niggas playing basketball on a roof and jumping off that shit while attempting to touch the top of the backboard. Nutso. Above the rim. Some of you got that; the rest of you have no clue what just happened. Moniece slow creeps her jacket off then snatches Amanda's wig. I'm not here for that but I'm kind of here for it.
Let's see, what else happens. Ray drops some Romeo done died lines on his boo Princess after she asked about being on the same page that goes a little something like this: "We in the same book. We ain't always gon' be on the same page, but it's always the same love story." That was hot. Shit might be the hottest line Ray has ever spitted. I have to believe he's either practiced that or said it 10 times before. You don't let nothing that good go. That was Dylan level hot fire. Looks like Ray found his #bae. Awwww.
Masika and Hazel start beefing now because Masika's messy ass is out here being the worst friend ever and talking shit about her to Berg and INTENTIONALLY putting up lovey dovey pictures on IG of her and Berg. I already didn't like Masika, but she's messy on a whole new level. You out here having girl time with Hazel - claiming to have stepped back from Berg b/c of this friendship - but Berg is like, "hey, I'm taking the song from Hazel and giving it to you" and she's like, "cool." Masika ain't shit. Hazel may be delusional and in more denial than Olivia Pope, but at least she's genuinely just lost. Masika is conniving evil. It's a wonder Morgan didn't make an appearance on this episode with her messy ass.
Nikki and Teairra meet up to talk shop and shit and plan to go to the unveiling of the marketing campaign for a new strip club that Nikki's family "owns" (they lease the space). Of course, it's the one that Masika took pictures for in the "diamonds" (why this wayward child kept saying diamonds is beyond me) and Nikki and Teairra are like, "oh no she didn't!" Looks like Nikki is gonna say just that on the next episode.
Next week: Fizz checks Moniece, Berg and Ray chop it up, and basically, more shit happens.