Because you will never convince me there's any discernible difference between Cristal and Andre.
9. Malt liquor (any)
I know it's not politically correct to victim blame, but if you willingly sleep with someone who drinks malt liquor and you wake up with your TV, toothbrushes, and four steps off of your staircase missing, you deserved it.
Despite looking and sounding like it was brewed by the Fraggle Rock construction workers, was inexplicably popular in 2003 and hasn't really been seen since. Which leads me to believe "Hpnotiq" and "Ja Rule" are the same thing.
7. Thug Passion
Nothing Tupac ever did — not releasing an album named after a person who faked their own death after he actually died, not being the only straight Black male in the history of ever to successfully pull off the nose ring — is as impressive as him convincing Black America that Alize and Cristal (and then Alize and Hennessy) mixed together was actually something you should actually order and actually drink with your own actual mouth.
6. The Incredible Hulk
Dear Black People: When are we going to stop trying to mix Hennessy with every fucking thing? (And when will we finally collectively admit that…Hennessy doesn't actually taste good?)
5. Liquid Viagra
Because any time you can drink a drink that tastes like horse's urine, but after the horse drank two gallons of Mountain Dew, you need to drink that drink.
4. Amaretto Sour
Raise your hand if this was the first drink you ordered in a club. Keep your hand up if you've ordered it any time after your 24th birthday. Now take that hand and smack the shit out of yourself with it.
3. Mogen David 20/20
Raise your hand if you wanted to make the Incredible Hulk one very ambitious night, but couldn't find any Hpnotiq and couldn't afford any Hennessy, so you got super unambitious and mixed Wild Turkey with Blue Raspberry MD 20/20.
Oh, I guess that was just me. Nevermind, then. Forget I even asked.
2. Literally any sports drink mixed with literally any alcoholic beverage
Raise your hand if you spent at least three to five years in your early 20s trying to find a Gatorade/liquor combination that actually worked. And keep that hand up if you're now in your mid 30s and still convinced there is a combo that actually works and still committed to finding it even if it means having your Wife Person ask why you buy so much Gatorade at Costco.
Is the worst thing God ever created. Nothing, not the albino cockroach, not Joffrey Baratheon, not Dion Waiters, is worse than Everclear.