Five Reasons Why Russell Wilson Is The Worst Kind Of Sucker-Ass Simp-Ass Sucker

David Becker/Getty Images
David Becker/Getty Images

1. He's dating someone new, and is actually bringing her name up in interviews and taking her to events with him, like he's actually happy to be with her and proud of her or something. Who the hell does that? Besides a sucker-ass simp-ass simp-ass sucker?

2. He's dating someone who has apparently dated other famous men before. Who cares that famous people usually date…other famous people. We know the names of some of the men Ciara has been with before. This makes her a ho. And Russell Wilson such a simp his name should be changed to Russell Simp-son. (Get it?)

3. He's in a relationship with a single mother! A gotdamn single mother! You know how much of a simp-ass sucker-ass simp you have to be to date a chick who was in a committed relationship before, had a child with that person, but decided to end the relationship because of suspected infidelity, and then had the audacity to move on and date someone else? And, to add insult to injury, this is a regular ole Black chick. Not a Kardashian or Rita Ora or even one of those exotic Black chicks like one from Cape Verde or Alaska or something. But some regular-ass, sexy, talented, rich, and famous Black chick from freakin' Texas!


4. And, what's the point of dating a single mom who's a regular-ass Black chick from Texas if ya'll aint boning? Because, if you know anything about single moms, its that they aint virgins. And if they aint virgins — and you aint fuckin — WHAT IS THE POINT OF THAT ADULT RELATIONSHIP? You might as well be a virgin too. Lame-ass, simp-ass, virgin-ass, sucker-ass lame.

5. He appears to enjoy spending time with the young son of his new girlfriend. Who cares that he might actually care about the damn kid? And that you can't really ask for a better role model for a Black baby boy than a clean-cut, millionaire, superstar athlete who actually seems to respect and give a damn about his mom? That's some bitch-ass, lame-ass shit, man. Someone lock this dude in a room and have him watch How to be a Player. Like seven times. With no breaks even to pee or eat some peanuts or something. He needs to make WWBBD (What would Bill Bellamy do?) his personal edict.

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)

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Simone-Elise Charles

May I have a sucker simp like him , please Jesus? You can actually leave out the millionaire, athlete stuff and sub regular Joe. Black please.