A few weeks ago, our sources were somehow able to find an email conversation between Nicki Minaj and Meek Mill. And then, a couple weeks later, one between Meek Mill and Drake. And then, those same sources found another email conversation, but between Drake and Serena Williams. We have great sources. Our sources are the shit.
They outdid themselves this time, though, by finding a conversation between President Obama and Kanye West.
A condensed version can be found below.
From: email@example.com: To: firstname.lastname@example.org: 6:43 pm
Kanye. Malia tells me you're running for president. Is this true? I thought we had an agreement.
I continue to allow ****redactedredactedredactedredactedredacted*** to ***redacted*** so ***redacted*** will continue to ***redacted*** so ***redactedredacted*** Kim's booty, and you don't run for office.
What happened, son?
From: email@example.com:: To:firstname.lastname@example.org: 7:32 pm
My bad Barack!!! Can I call you Barack?
From: email@example.com: To: firstname.lastname@example.org: 7:41 pm
From: email@example.com:: To:firstname.lastname@example.org: 8:17 pm
Well, my bad bro!!! You know how I get when I get in front of large groups of White people and bitches dressed like ELEPHANTS. I can't handle it! Something about the elephants makes me think about Deltas! And Deltas make me think about how they aint let Kim DO the keynote at the Delta Sigma Theta Sorority's 51st National Convention and Centennial Celebration in 2013. And that fucks me up, bro! Because Kim WOULD have given the best Delta Sigma Theta Sorority's 51st National Convention and Centennial Celebration keynote speech of all-time!!! She was WORKING on that shit for weeks!!! We even hired MICHELLE PFEIFFER as an English tutor to teach her about gerund phrases and how to insert periods in run on sentences so they would be two sentences instead of one!!!!!! Kim was so happy she finally learned to write multiple sentences!!! And they aint even answer our emails!!! I SAW THE READ RECEIPTS TOO, SO I KNOW THEY READ THEM!!!. But they aint answer!!! So every time I see an elephant now I think of Deltas. And Deltas make me think of D.C.!!! And that's why I'm running for PRESIDENT!!!
From: email@example.com: To: firstname.lastname@example.org: 9:01 pm
Michelle Pfeiffer is not a real English teacher, Kanye. She just played one in Dangerous Minds. If Kim needed help with her sentence writing, you could have hired a real teacher. Any teacher. Hell, you could have hired Cornel West. I'm sure he was busy somewhere not teaching any classes, not writing any books, and putting bobby pins in life-sized voodoo dolls with my face, and he could have used a break from doing nothing. Dammit, Kanye, you could have just googled "how to write commas." And Google would have worked splendidly. Michelle and I use Google, frequently. The same Google the American people use. Not even a special Google. (Honestly, between you and I, that actually surprised me. I thought presidents received access to a special Google. But there's no special Google for presidents. Just Google. Bush lied to me.)
But anyway, if you want ***redacted*** to continue to ***redactedredactedredactedredactedredacted*** and ***redacted*** to keep ***redacted*** the bodies ***redacted*** Kris Jenner has buried in ***redacted***, you have you understand that you can't do this.
From: email@example.com:: To:firstname.lastname@example.org: 10:17 pm
But POTUSBRO! I DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING! Awards shows, the universe, HOW POPCORN CORNELS BE MAD SMALL AND THEM DUMB BIG WHEN YOU HEAT THEM, how to use faucets, faces North makes, why James Harden writes his initials on his toothbrushes, the silver seasoning packs in packages of RAMEN NOODLE! Nothing! But that's the beauty of it all, bro. I don't HAVE TO UNDERSTAND NOTHING! I'M FOREVER LEARNING! I'm like a high school sophomore that's only a sophomore because of social promotion! I DON'T KNOW SHIT!!!
From: email@example.com: To: firstname.lastname@example.org: 11:01 pm
This is true. You truly, sincerely, and desperately don't know shit. Which might make you a great fit in Washington. You have my blessing, Kanye. Not my endorsement. Just my blessing. Just don't ever, ever, ever contact me again, and tell Kim to stop trying to play Trivia Crack with Michelle. It's no fun playing with someone who answers "C" to every question.