Things Your Bitch Ass Better Not Do At A Labor Day Cookout


Labor Day is almost here. Which means the summer is officially over. Which sucks. Because it felt like we had three weeks of summer this year. Like, you remember how it took Meek Mill an entire month to write and release a wack diss track for Drake? That's how long summer felt. The span of a Meek Mill studio session.


Fortunately, Labor Day allows us to end on a high note with the end-of-summer Labor Day weekend cookouts. But, before the weekend hits, there are some things that need to be addressed. Some things your bitch ass better not do at a Labor Day cookout. Which are different than Memorial Day and 4th of July cookouts, because everyone knows that the summer ends when the cookout ends, so people are already a tad bit on edge. Tread lightly.

1.  Make a to-go-plate before anyone else even ate

Ok, fine. Your bitch-ass drove all the way to the cookout but has to leave after like 15 minutes to go watch The Strain. Cool. Be a weirdo. But, guess who aint leaving with a to-go plate? That's right. You motherfucker.

2. Make like a thousand to-go plates for people who didn't show up

If you're making these obnoxious-ass to-go plates for a homeless shelter or your invalid and/or elderly relatives, fine. Aunt Gracie likes beef ribs and baked beans too. But if people are able to walk and shit and just aint decide to show up, you can take pictures of the food and Snapchat them shits because that's all they're going to see.

3. Hover around the food

The meat will be done when the meat is done. Go play spades or mingle or throw lotion-filled water balloons at your ashy-ass kids or something and get the hell away from the grill.


4. Bring people who weren't invited for a reason

And yes, this includes you. There's a reason 531 people were invited on the Facebook event page, but not you. Because at the last cookout you came to, you brought potato salad from Rite-Aid. And three people died from it. So no one wants to see you. Or cares that you're sad that no one wants to see you.


5. Have some uncomfortable ass argument with your significant other

Look, I get it. Relationships are hard, and sometimes people in relationships go through some things. But I don't want to hear about his cash flow issues and her consistently dry fellatio issues while I'm stuffing my face with random swine bits and brown liquor. Be like a normal person and air your dirty laundry through passive-aggressive tweets and status messages.


6. Come late as hell, expect food to still be there, and get mad when it's not

Sometimes people have prior engagements, and that's fine. You can still come through. But if the cookout started at 4 and you roll in at 7, don't be mad if the only things left are off-brand pretzels and ant-ravaged cheese dip. You should have stopped at Arby's.


7. Come with a group of people and don't talk to anyone else

Yes, I'm talking to you and your miscellaneous ass crew of quick-weaved tinamou sitting 30 feet away from anyone else. If you wanted to have your own cookout you should have just extended your shifts at Shake Shack.


8. Get seconds before everyone has had firsts

Have you ever seen anyone get beat to death with turkey burger? No? Well, if you'd like for a quarter pound of turkey meat mushed in you eye to not be the last thing you see on Earth, sit your greedy-ass down and wait till everyone has a plate in their possession before going full food retard.


Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)


Serious question: For the people that like their red meats well done, we do you prefer that taste? I don't mean that in a shady way. I'm genuinely curious