YouTube screenshot

As many of you are likely already aware of, University of Connecticut student Luke Gatti recently became internet famous for a video featuring him drunkenly screaming at, insulting, assaulting, and spitting on a campus cafeteria manager who wouldn't allow Gatti to enter the cafeteria to eat some bacon jalapeno mac and cheese.

A couple days ago, Gatti released a video apologizing for his actions. Which might have been sincere. (I doubt it, but…yeah, I doubt it.) But that's beside the point. The fact that he's even free and alive and able to make an apology video today tells you everything you need to know.

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And, I'm not saying that Gatti's mac and cheese rant should have resulted in his death. Just that if Luke Gatti was a 6'3 Black kid named Luther Jenkins, he'd be as dead as John Wayne right now. He'd be the deadest motherfucker who ever lived. No one who ever died would be more dead than he'd be.

But don't take my word for it. Let's take a look at the video and see exactly how arrested and dead Gatti would have been each minute if he happened to be Black.

0:20: The cafeteria manager — who really needs to win some type of award for restraint and professionalism (seriously, this guy would have done better at the Democratic debate than Jim Webb) — calmly explains to Gatti that he can not enter the cafeteria with an open can of beer. And an unreasonable Gatti continues to cuss him out. At this point, if Gatti was Black, he would have already been arrested. Campus police would have sent in a SWAT unit. And a hazmat team to analyze his beer. Loretta Lynch would have already been preparing a statement to read to the press about the "situation in Storrs."

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1:30: Perhaps the most White privilegey moment of the video occurs, as Gatti realizes he's being filmed, smiles at the camera, calls the manager a "fucking fag," puts his middle finger in the manager's face, and proceeds to talk shit about the manager's occupation while boasting that the cops will not arrest him.

If Gatti was Black, a member of the SWAT team called to "take him down" would have just chopped his head off. This funny bacon jalapeno mac and cheese video would now be a snuff film.

1:52: Gatti pushes the manager twice. As I'm writing this, I'm eating a bacon, egg, and cheese croissant. I'm telling you all this because if Gatti was Black, he'd be as dead as the pig this bacon came from. And they might have chopped him up, cured, froze, fried, and eaten him too.

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2:40: Gatti attempts to grab and slam another cafeteria worker who came out to get between Gatti and the manager. Since a Black Gatti would have already been dead at this point, the police would have pulled a Keyser Soza and killed all of Gatti's friends, family members, roommates, and even the people he owes money to.

4:00: Let me just say that the benefits package received by the cafeteria workers must be awesome. Like, full tuition reimbursement and 120 paid days off a year level awesome. Because that's the only way to explain the level of restraint they're all showing with this kid.

Btw, at this point in the vid, a Black Gatti's dead and buried body would have been dug up and killed again for good measure.

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4:42: A Black kid in a blue sweatshirt walks briskly out of the cafeteria, undoubtedly thinking "I need to get the fuck out of here before they blame me for this shit."

6:17: After Gatti pushes the manager for what had to be the dozenth time, he's finally (finally!) slammed to the ground and subdued. But, somehow, still manages to talk shit. And make more requests for bacon jalapeno mac and cheese. If Gatti was Black, someone (the Koch brothers, perhaps) would have commissioned a project to create a time machine. For the sole purpose of going back in time to kill his parents before they even met. Basically, Black Gatti would have received the Terminator treatment.

8:30: A police officer finally comes. And, considering the circumstance, he's also exceedingly polite and professional, helping Gatti to his feet and even helping him locate his shoes. But this wasn't enough for Gatti, who manages to spit in the manager's face as he's being taken out the door.

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If Gatti was Black, I would not be writing this, and you would not be reading this. Because Gatti would have been so dead — killed so decisively — that every Black America would have also been dead by osmosis.

That considered, I thank Luke Gatti for being White. Because I enjoy being alive. So much so that I'm going to eat some bacon jalapeno mac and cheese today.