Tonight will be President Obama’s final State Of The Union address, a culmination of eight years of the most powerful* man in America (and arguably the world) being a Black man from Hawaii.
It still hasn’t fully sunk in that I have lived to see a Black man be elected and re-elected. I still remember watching the inauguration and holding my breath when I saw a (seemingly) unprotected Barack walk across the stadium to take the oath of office. Since then, we’ve seen Barry O. go from an energetic upstart to a man worn out by the albatross of the United States Federal Government, with the gray hairs to prove it. We’ve watched his wife consistently walk in any room and just own it — whether it be with her own personal accomplishments, her effervescent charm, or her arms/hair/wardrobe. We’ve had front row seats at seeing two Black girls grow into stunning young women, full of vitality, grace, and a self-assurance that has long been denied to so many of their peers.
We’ve also seen Obeezy take a LOT of shit over the past eight years. And going into the final year of his presidency with minimal fucks left and no pending campaign efforts to keep him in check, I am patiently waiting for Barry to find a track to explode on.
The State of the Union might just be that time.
President Obama’s team has come out and said that we should expect for his final address before Congress to be nontraditional. I can only hope this means that he’s been holed up in Norfolk, VA with Terrence Thornton for the past month, prepping to drop the nastiest of bars in the House chamber.
On the off chance that he hasn’t been deep in a bunker listening to the latest Pusha T album on a loop, I’d like to offer just a few suggestions on some…shall we say, quips…that Barack Hussein Obama can pepper in during what is effectively his farewell speech to the American electorate.
1. To Joe Wilson: 50-plus votes to repeal Obamacare and I’m still here. Who lied to the people, me or you?
2. To John Boehner: I’d like to pour out some liquor for our former Speaker of the House. To think he was just a year away from being the brownest person on the podium again!
3. To Governor Christie: I see that Lap Band Surgery has you on a No New Friends tip all over again, but I’ve got the texts! You can front for the podium but don’t think I’ll respond to that 1 AM WYD iMessage again Chris….
4. To Marco Rubio: You wack, you stupid, your polls’ a no, you broke, the funds ain’t yours, and errbody know…
5. To Ted Cruz: I see you’ve been hit with some birther conspiracies. As someone who’s been on the same end of Trump’s allegations, might I suggest one of the following:
c) shut ‘em down, open up shop.
6. Points at Donald Trump’s toupee* What are THOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSE!
Now I can only hope that at least one of these statements will be uttered while the instrumentals to Crutches, Crosses, Caskets plays in the background. But realistically, this is about as probable as Serge Ibaka finally responding to my DMs. Regardless, I have my popcorn and wine at the ready to send off our first Black president as he bodes his farewell to the legislature that he has fought with for the better part of the last eight years. I hope y’all will join me.