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Who is Amber Rose?

Ex-girlfriend of Kanye West, ex-wife of Wiz Khalifa, social media soul destroyer, and perhaps the most famous Cape Verdean alive today.

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Really?

Yes, really. If we ever decided to honor and recognize a Cape Verdean-American history month, kids would be required to do Amber Rose book reports and school projects. She'd basically be the Cape Verdean Benjamin Banneker.

Why are we talking about her today?

Last week, as a response to her ex (Kanye) misinterpreting and disrespectfully responding to her other ex's (Wiz) tweet, Amber Rose revealed that Kanye enjoyed anal stimulation.

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Where those her exact words?

No, those were not her exact words. Her exact words were "Awww @kanyewest are u mad I'm not around to play in ur asshole anymore? #FingersInTheBootyAssBitch."

Ah, I see. So she basically just outed Kanye as gay, huh?

No, she didn't.

Wait, didn't you just say that she tweeted that Kanye enjoys anal stimulation?

I did.

And, do you believe that Amber Rose is telling the truth?

I do. Of course, Kanye denied it. But he needs more people. Preferably people with hand sanitizer.

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So
?


.

Kanye West is a man. If a man enjoys anal stimulation, that makes him a gay man. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But I'm pretty certain that if I looked in the "Things That Make A Man Gay" textbook, enjoying that type of action is the entire first chapter. It's right before the chapter about quiche recipes.

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It sounds like you just need an updated textbook. And why do you own a "Things That Make A Man Gay" textbook anyway?

I'm asking the questions here.

Ask better questions then.

Ok. Here's one: If this isn't an act that's considered to be a homosexual act, why did Amber Rose tweet it like she was playing the Big Joker, why did the internet react like she just played the Big Joker, and why did Kanye even feel the need to deny it? I mean, if this is perfectly within the parameters of heterosexual sex, why the fuss?

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Well, first you have to start with Amber Rose. Although Kanye's reprehensible tweets about her child and her status as a former stripper gave her carte blanche to respond however she wanted — Twitter morality carte blanche, at least — revealing Ye's proctological proclivities was (understandably and justifiably and hilariously) petty and, unfortunately, problematic. I'm certain she's aware of how narrow our collective cultural definition of male heterosexuality tends to be — and how, in regards to Black male heterosexuality, the definition is even more narrow — and revealing that Kanye enjoys that act in such a "gotcha bitch!" manner insinuates this is something Kanye, a straight man, should be ashamed of. Taking the bait, Kanye denied it; an act that further insinuated that this is something to be ashamed of.

An irony here is that although Amber Rose tweeted that information because she knew it would be a big deal, I strongly doubt she — a person who has been a passionate and outspoken advocate for sexual freedom — personally believes it's a big deal.

After all, if she's being truthful — and I have no reason to believe she wasn't — she was a willing participant for years. And she has a baby with a tall Black Pittsburgher who regularly dresses like he's teaching a Bikram Yoga class in 2316.

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Let me get this straight: You're basically saying that a man enjoying that act does not make him a gay or bisexual man. Is that correct?

Yes. It is.

How not?

Those words aren't supposed to go together like that.

Stop playing. You know what I mean.

It was an act done with a man and a woman within the confines of a heterosexual relationship. Asking if an act done with a man and a woman within the confines of a heterosexual relationship is "gay" is like asking if a steak and eggs dinner is a vegan meal. As long as the meat is there, it can't be vegan.

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That was a terrible, terrible, terrible analogy. And, considering the context, ridiculously inappropriate.

I know. I'm just saying, if Kanye (or any other man) enjoys that act when it is performed on him by a woman — and only when it is performed on him by a woman — it's not "gay." Kinky? Perhaps. But heterosexuality is expansive enough that there is room for kink.

It also would help to know that even now, within our collectively narrow definition of male heterosexually, exists relatively common acts that were once roundly considered to be over the gay threshold. Male/female anal sex, for instance. (The rationale for "suspected gayness" being that if a man enjoys anal sex with a woman, why wouldn't he also enjoy it with a man?) There are even some cultures that still consider a man performing oral sex on a woman to be suspect. An entire Mafia war broke out during a season of The Sopranos because one character made jokes about another character's affinity for going down.

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It seems ridiculous now to think of a man performing cunnilingus as a "gay" act. But that just shows you how strong cultural conditioning can be.

Anyway, if Kanye (or any other man) desires to have a man perform that (or any other sexual act) on him, then perhaps he's bisexual or gay. Now, though, he's just a straight man who likes it when women put fingers in his butt.

(Also, it should be noted that if Kanye is, in fact, bisexual or gay
so the hell what?)