The 50th Super Bowl is happening Sunday. Some of the world's best athletes will come together to risk life, limb, and terminal brain injury so that we can scream and point at them with our buffalo sauce covered fingers.
As a Giants fan, I’ve had no skin in the game for quite some time. But, as with most things that involve heavy consumption of poultry, that doesn’t prevent me from having a lot of opinions on the day’s events. After all, what is the Internet without people exercising their right to at length about what’s in the new crispy chicken wraps?
Without further ado, I present to you with my unofficial wishlist of “things I would like to take place in, on, and around Super Bowl 50.”
1. Whoever’s residence I choose to defile with my gluttony and debauchery plans the food situation accordingly. Don’t invite me to your house and not put in the wing order until 3 pm!
2. Speaking of wings, don’t be the person that makes a healthy Super Bowl spread. Carrots were for the first two weeks of January when I pretended that this is the year where I finally treat my waistline with the respect it deserves. There’s always 2017 - put the hummus away, and no that greek yogurt isn’t just as good as sour cream, so don’t even try it.
3. Peyton Manning harnesses his old-man strength to make what is more than likely the last 60 minutes of his career a competitive one. I know the man can barely feel his head, shoulders, knees or toes but the man can’t go out on another 4 quarters of throwing ducks.
4. Cameron Jerrell Newton comes out to this eponymous classic from Purple Haze.
5. A crack in the time-space continuum opens during the halftime show and the group currently known as Coldplay gets sucked into a black hole to Asgard, only allowed to return if they sacrifice their vocal cords to the Nine Worlds.
6. The Panthers lead a stadium-wide Swag Surf upon accepting the Vince Lombardi trophy
7. GoDaddy goes all in on their tried and true legacy of softcore-porn-as-advertisment and features Danica Patrick twerking in slow motion to Dirty Sprite 2.
8. Every “Proud to be An American” themed commercial is replaced by random clips of Obama’s blackest moments
9. Beyonce brings out Nayvadius DeMun Wilburn to perform a rendition of “Where Ya At”
10. Cam Newton goes full country and holds up the Lombardi trophy while eating ribs. Preferably ribs smoked by someone named "Unc" rocking white socks and flip-flops.
11. Every Panthers touchdown celebration is a dance that the kids are doing today. Bonus points if Greg Olsen runs off on the plug. I feel like asking for a quality Milly Rock would be asking for too much but hey, a girl can dream.
12. Last but not least, Cam Newton presents the dab sequence to end all dab sequences, angering both Colin Cowherd and soccer moms countrywide.
Happy Super Bowl Weekend, everyone. May the wings be aplenty and your beer be appropriately chilled.