This week Melania Trump’s first official White House portrait was revealed and all of Black Twitter shrugged in one accord because nobody cur, girl and A PHOTO WAS RELEASED OF EX-FLOTUS MICHELLE OBAMA ROCKING HER NATURAL HAIR!!! And it was glorious, y’all. Spring birds chirped En Vogue melodies in four-part harmony while brooks babbled, mountains moved, children jumped double-dutch and Fetty Wap’s missing eye grew back just so he could get a better look at her. I shared this revelation just shy of thirteen-thousand times via text, gmail, Instagram DM’s, Twitter and screaming “Yaaaasss, girl, Yaaaaasssss!” in my coworkers faces and had the following thoughts:
1. I wonder what her natural hair smells like? At first I was all like, “Kinky Curly’s Knot Today and lemongrass, duh!” but that’s too basic for Mother Shelly Shell. It would have to be something more befitting of a Queen like Imported Organic Cold-Pressed Coconut Oil and the tears of Paul Ryan. Or maybe Pink Lustre “Moisturizing” Lotion and the juice from the first papaya harvested on Mars. Whatever it smells like I know it smells good and I know Barack pulls her in close for those good hugs just to get a whiff of it. Ol’ lucky-ass Barry O.
2. Who has been responsible for styling her hair the past eight years? Like, I’m sure there had to have been an official White House hair stylist unless Mama Robinson had her slumped over the kitchen stove every Saturday with a hot comb and an old dish rag. Whoever was doing it, it couldn’t have been me. Mostly because I’m not a licensed cosmetologist but also because I’d be too shook to even attempt to do that do. What if you were asked to do a light split-ends dusting and cut off two inches of protective style hair growth? Or you attempted a Dominican blowout before a Correspondence Dinner and left her under the dryer for too long and now she’s gotta face Mitch McConnell’s old evil ninja turtle ass with heat damage? Do you just commit seppuku right then and there or do they ship you off to Guantanamo? The world may never know.
3. Do you think Michelle Obama ever gets a fairy knot? I would think as a hair strand if I had the audacity of hope to actually presume that I could challenge the black girl magic of FFOTUS (First Follicles Of The United States) I would just detangle myself out of shame but that’s just me. I can’t picture Mrs. Obama finger-detangling over the tub with an industrial size bottle of TRESemme conditioner from the Costco. That’s for me and the rest of us plebeians. I’m gonna have to assume her hair never tangles. In fact, I think she could probably rock micro-twists for four summer months straight with no touch-ups and take them down without a knot in sight.
4. Does she sleep with a satin bonnet? I’m sure this black girl rite of passage didn’t skip Michelle LaVaughn Robinson from Chicago but surely an army of silkworms was commissioned in 2008 to be always spewing newly spun fibroin around her edges as she slept at night in the Presidential Bedroom.
5. Did she sweat out that press from having shexy time with… you know what, I’ve gone too far and I see that now.
Jordan Kauwling is an early thirties Philadelphian but she tells everyone she's in her late thirties because she doesn't understand how math works. When she's not busy writing, singing, eating all the falafel or unsuccessfully finishing another craft project you can catch her talking junk on Twitter.