It appears as if Bill Cosby has lost his damn mind.
You know the story. He was accused of sexually assaulting over 50 women; the stories of the women are all strikingly similar to such a degree that it leaves little room for doubt; and there was a mistrial declared because a jury was unable to agree upon a verdict in the one case that made it to court.
Meanwhile, Bill Cosby has been acting a fool. He invited Keisha Knight –Pulliam (Rudy) to the first day of court. He inexplicably said ‘Hey, Hey, Hey’ in his Fat Albert voice on his way into court; and, in a move that his lawyers cannot be happy about, he has decided to do seminars for athletes and married men on how to not get accused of sexual assault.
But…I think Cosby is aiming too low. Instead of just a seminar, he should have an entire conference centered on the absurd. To wit, he could use his celebrity to host star-studded master classes of the following:
Al "A.C." Cowlings on how to be a best friend.
AC is the ultimate ‘ride or die’ friend. He will never tell where the bodies are buried—literally.
MC Hammer on how to invest money.
Hammer’s net worth was estimated at over $33 million in 1991. However, in 1996, he was over $13 million in debt. Taking financial advice from him sounds like an idea about as good as a married man attending this seminar.
Nuance with LaVar Ball
He showed up to the NBA Draft rocking a Big Baller Brand Easter suit. Ball is a master class in lack of subtlety, so his workshop would be a perfect fit.
Michael Jordan on how to keep up with the latest fashion trends.
MJ is still rocking the hoop earrings and boot cut, stonewashed jeans. He is exactly who Cosby needs to talk to about what’s hot in the streets.
Diversity training with Bill Maher.
…because he definitely knows when to not say nigger.
James Comey on how not to be a Fed.
Black folks were beside themselves when Comey went before the Senate Intelligence Committee and talked about Trump’s flexible relationship with the truth. Yet, I wasn’t about to give him any cookies.
We should never forget that this dude was (and for the most part still is) the Feds. In fact, he is the Fed-iest of Feds. If he had not reopened the investigation into Hillary’s emails days before the election, we would all be living in a very different country. The Falcons would have won the Super Bowl; Kaepernick would have a job; Caine would still be alive; and the Cavs would have won the NBA Finals. But no, we are not in that world because Comey decided to sabotage the election.
Singing lessons from John Legend.
As articulated by Panama Jackson, Legend is the ultimate non-singing, singing ass nigga. What he does on the mic may work for him, but singing like that will never work for you.
Mike Tyson on how to fight fair.
20 years ago next week, Tyson bit off a piece of Holyfield’s ear. Tyson sounds like the perfect candidate to give lessons at the conference on fair play and sportsmanship.
Intersectionality with Bernie Sanders.
Part of why the Senator from Vermont never got my vote was because he talked about race like it was a class issue. He failed to see that one can eradicate economic inequality and black folks would still get shot down in the streets. Lessons on what Kimberle Crenshaw calls ‘intersectionality’ from Sanders would be about as effective as any advice Cosby would have to give.
How to get away with murder with Betty Shelby and Jeronimo Yanez.
But all they’d say is: “wear a blue uniform because nigger hunting season is always in.”