Full disclosure. This will not be a recap of the entire show. Because I did not watch the entire show. Because I'm old as fuck and took a nap at 8pm and woke up at like 10pm. Because old ass niggas take evening naps. And then for the first few moments of watching the awards, I was only kinda, sorta paying attention because I was eating this really delicious cake and some Bermudian ginger beer. So there's that.
1. Chance accepting the Humanitarian award, and frontin like he didn't prepare a speech, like a member of the church choir frontin like he didn't know this was his week to sing the solo.
2. Chance shouting out his cousins during his speech, who happened to be the Blackest named cousins in the history of Blackest named cousins. It's like they came from a Black-Ass Cousin Name generator.
3. Michelle Obama's lying ass saying that her and Barack wished they could be there. Especially when we all know they're just on the first leg of their Sexin On Every Island world tour. Them niggas got fuckin to do. They aint got time for BET's ass.
4. Michelle showing us her glowing-ass shoulders to remind us of all the shit I just said in #3.
5. New Edition coming through with their wardrobes from the Seasoned Negro Summer Linens aisle at Macy's. They were definitely Boat Ride and Cabaret chic. I love them.
6. Tyrese being given like seven words to read and still somehow finding a way to fuck them up. This nigga could ruin the ABC song.
7. The moment when Jada Pinkett Smith, Queen Latifah, Tiffany Haddish, and Regina Hall were up there all glistening and shining and glowing and sparkling and shit like bottles of Maybelline in 170 years of uncracked Blackness. Two fucking centuries worth of creaselessness.
8. When Remy Ma basically made it so Nicki Minaj will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever be on BET again.
9. Bobby Brown's luxurious bathrobe.
10. The countless snafus and misreadings and gaffes and technical difficulties and the fact that this shit aint end until fucking midnight — proving that The BET Awards show is basically a lit ass cookout where the meat ain't ready till like 6pm. I love us.