Ralph Freso/Getty Images

1. Black people

Some things really need no explanation but ya know, we explain shit and shit around here. Iā€™m not, however, going to explain this shit because I mean, duh.

Advertisement

2. The rights of anybody but white people, but especially Black people

White man with a gun? Exercising his rights.

Black man with a gun? Infringing upon the rights of others.

White man speaking his mind and standing up for his rights? Patriot.

Black man speaking his mind and standing up for his rights? Pariah.

I think you see where Iā€™m going with that one, white man.

3. Their own self interests

White folks = Fuck Obamacare.

Tomi Lahren = professional white person = Iā€™m rocking the fuck out of Obamacare, my G.

Advertisement

Obamacare isnā€™t perfect, but Iā€™m not even sure if most of the people who hate it so much have any real idea why. If you know what a libertarian is, and you hate Obamacare, Iā€™ll trust your opinion. If not, and youā€™re white, and you hate Obama and Obamacare, Iā€™m just going to assume youā€™re a racist, and be extremely comfortable in my skin doing so.

4. The long term health care effects of athletes

Granted, this is a mostly American problem, but its ironic that the same people who hate the idea of mandatory health care are so excited about voluntary concussions. Iā€™m giving this one to white people, too, just because white folks love their football.

Advertisement

5. Human lives if an animalā€™s life is present

Of course, that human life is extra easy to view in a disposable light if he or she is a person of color. But you put a rabid dog and a person of color next to each other and ask a white person which one is more valuable, Iā€™d bet GOOD money that the white person would say the rabid dog, ten times out of ten.

6. America

You canā€™t pretend to give a shit about this country after voting for Donald Trump and finding ANY true legitimacy in this clown show going on in Washington. Yet and still, Iā€™m pretty sure that white group of folks who voted for Trump absolutely think this country is in better shape than it was under Obama. White folks love to whitefolk.

Advertisement

7. Any other country not named America

White people pretty much hate the planet. Except for America. Butā€¦see #6.

8. Other white people as long as a Black person is fucked over

I meanā€¦they shitted on welfare by making it a Black phenomenon even though stats sayā€¦well, you already know this.

Advertisement

9. Anybody else's culture

White folks love to borrow our shit, Columbus it, profit off of it, and then ruin your shit. What is our shit? Pretty much anythingĀ of interest that's happened since 1620. Cultural appropriation isn't solely a white thing, but white folks whitefolked the FUCK out of cultural appropriation.

10. Seasoning on food

It's why they can't make the potato salad, deviled eggs, any kind of chicken, any kind of, well fuck it, any kind of anything. I will grant ONE giant exception: white people down south ALSO can cook on an as-tasted basis. You can't trust everybody, but as long as Paula Deen won't be there, you an use her recipes. Diabetes extra.