40 Questions for the People Who Stand as Soon as the Plane Lands

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(Disclaimer: If you’re physically impaired in some capacity and need to stand as soon as the plane lands, please ignore this and keep standing! If not, well, answer me!)

1. Where are you going?

2. Do you not yet realize that we are going to the same place?

3. And that the door is shut?

4. And that since the door is shut, you standing does nothing but crowd the aisle?

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5. And that flight attendants secretly rub boogers on your carry-ons if they see you standing? (I don’t really know if they do this, but they should!)

6. Why don’t you just take a minute and relax?

7. Do you maybe have texts that you can check instead of standing?

8. A tweet you can send? (“Just landed! And still sitting!”)

9. When did you decide to become a fascist?

10. Are you cousins with the people who clap when landing, and how shitty is the potato salad at your triflin’ family reunions?

11. Do you realize that your ass is in my face now?

12. What makes you assume I want ass face this early in the day?

13. Is your ass even nice enough to brush against random niggas’ nostrils?

14. Why are you forcing me to ask these questions?

15. Have you no shame?

16. Do you realize that pilots don’t give a shit if you’re the first one standing?

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17. Why are you trying to impress pilots?

18. You want to bone a pilot, don’t you, you randy little pilot-fucker you?

19. Or maybe you tried to get into flight school but kept flunking cause you can’t parallel park a car?

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20. Do you have to pee?

21. Cause if you really have to pee, I kinda get it?

22. The best way to describe my bladder right now would be “mostly washed,” so does that describe yours too?

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23. But if so, why did you wait until the plane landed?

24. Do you believe that you can only pee while on the ground?

25. And that if you pee while in the air it’ll drop out of the plane and sprinkle on civilians?

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26. Unrelated, but wouldn’t “Sprinkle On Civilians” be a great title for an oral history podcast about E-40?

27. Also, do you realize that the people around you are now sitting longer than usual just to spite you?

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28. And that “people around you” is me?

29. I am usually not a spiteful person, so do you take the blame for making me this way?

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30. Do you expect me to help you if you bump your head on the overhead and concuss yourself?

31. Or if you’re stampeded by people late for connecting flights?

32. Do you realize I will not?

33. That not only will I not help you, I will laugh at you and rub my shins on your back?

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34. Have you ever had a random window-seat nigga rub his shins on your stampeded back?

35. Do you realize how disrespectful that is?

36. You really want me to do that?

37. This isn’t a fetish of yours, is it?

38. If so, that would explain, well, everything, huh?

39. Still, did I consent to being involved in this?

40. SO YOU REALLY DIDN’T HAVE TO PEE, DID YOU???

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About the author

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB and a columnist for GQ.com. His debut memoir in essays, What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins), is available for preorder.