A List of Characters in Hamilton Who Also Should've Shot Alexander Hamilton in the Face

Illustration for article titled A List of Characters in iHamilton/i Who Also Shouldve Shot Alexander Hamilton in the Face
Screenshot: Disney

1. At least once a week, 50 Cent does or says a thing that makes you think “Yeah, I see why people want to kill you.” Alexander Hamilton was (spoiler alert) killed by Aaron Burr, but like 17 different people had good reason to kill him too. The homie Bassey put it best: “Not enough people shot him.”

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This quote is from a thing I wrote last month about Renee Elise Goldsberry’s “Satisfied” performance, which I believe is the best thing that ever happened in the history of the universe. I’ve watched or listened to Hamilton maybe 715 times since then. So much so that when just listening to it on our Apple Spynet Homepod thing, my 19-month-old son starts clapping whenever a song ends. (We think he’s mimicking the audience from the televised version. But maybe he’s just thinking that it’s finally over, and clapping for joy.)

Anyway, repeated watchings have solidified that the play could’ve been called Hamilton: The Dickhead Who Not Enough People Killed. Below is a list of people not named Aaron Burr who also had good reason to shoot Alexander Hamilton in the fucking face.

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1. George Washington

Should’ve shot him in the face like four times for just being sassy as fuck all the time.

2. Eliza Schuyler

Should’ve shot him in the face with a bazooka for making their life a Drake song.

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3. Angelica Schuyler

Should’ve shot him in the face after she came all the way back from London to support her sister and this dude was like “Oh wow. You came!” like he’d invited her to a game night.

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4. Peggy Schuyler

Should’ve shot him in the face just cause he has a shootable face.

5. John Laurens

Should’ve shot him in the face for marrying Eliza and pining for Angelica when John was clearly in love with him and literally right there whispering “Let’s Have Another Round Tonight” in his ear.

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6. Marquis de Lafayette

Should’ve come back from France and shot him in the face eight times for Alexander being like “I got your back” and then when shit got real being like “New phone. Who this?

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7. Thomas Jefferson

Should’ve shot him in the face for rapping—awkwardly, loudly, and weirdly—in his face as soon as he got back from France.

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8. James Madison

Should’ve shot him in the face seven times just to give that “SOUTHERN MOTHERFUCKIN’ DEMOCRATIC REPUBLICANS!” line a nice kick.

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9. Philip Hamilton

Should have shot his dad in the face twice, actually. Once because he never got his threesome. And then, he should’ve come back from the dead and shot him 17 times for telling him to shoot in the air while someone is literally attempting to kill him.

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10. Maria Reynolds

Should’ve shot him in the face for acting like he ain’t have any agency. I’m sure it was good, but he definitely could’ve said no to it.

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11. Charles Lee

Should’ve shot him in the face for popping off at the mouth and sending his boy to murk him instead of just doing it himself.

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12. Samuel Seabury

Should’ve shot him in the face like six times for heckling.

13. King George III

Should’ve shot him in the face for deading a valuable revenue stream.

There’s really only one speaking character in Hamilton who didn’t have good reason to shoot Alexander Hamilton in the fucking face, and that’s Hercules Mulligan—who probably should’ve shot him anyway for always dancing all funny.

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)

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DISCUSSION

daniellebelton
Danielle C. Belton

I just came here to say that I’ve had the Hamilton soundtrack stuck in my head (again) ever since the Disney taping came out and as much as I love it, I hate it. I hate it so much. DAMN YOU, MUSICAL THAT BURROWED INTO MY BRAIN!