10 Potential Reasons Why Nike's SNKRS App Won't Let Me Be Great

Illustration for article titled 10 Potential Reasons Why Nikes SNKRS App Wont Let Me Be Great
Photo: Panama Jackson

This past weekend I did what I’ve done almost every weekend this year: took another L on the Nike SNKRS app. If you’re into buying sneakers, I’m sure some (if not most) of you can feel me.

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What is the SNKRS app?

I’m glad you asked.

The SNKRS app is the means by which Nike often does drops of releasing sneakers, especially exclusive shoes like those in Nike’s collaboration with Virgil Abloh’s Off-White, Jordan retro releases and speciality shoes. Some of the shoes slated for the SNKRS app also drop in retail stores, but some do not. For more instance, last month when the highly coveted Air Jordan 4 Off-White Sail dropped, the SNKRS app (and assorted raffles) were the only way to get them, whereas LeBron James’ signature shoes can both be purchased on the app and/or in-stores. THOUGH, when the Lakers won the NBA Championship a few nights ago, there was a LeBron 18 shock-drop made available on the app where only some Nike members were notified—I wasn’t one of them. Point is, SNKRS is where everybody who is into the art and science of sneakers goes to try their luck. It is also where many of us go to get humbled.

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And why does it all matter? Well, if you don’t get the shoes for retail, you’re relegated to having to find shoes you really want on the resale market where shoes that go for $250 at retail or SNKRS (which is admittedly steep) can go for double or even triple—depending on your shoe size—on the resale market.

Back to my own personal journey. This past weekend, on October 10 at 10 a.m. ET, the Air Jordan 4 PSG (which stands for Paris Saint-Germain) were released via the app and I was waiting with my thumb hovering over the “coming soon” button, waiting for it to change to $225 and as soon as it did, I made my move. Apparently so did the rest of you motherfuckers because I took ANOTHER L. In fact, in the calendar year 2020, the ONLY shoe I managed to hit on SNKRS was the Air Jordan 7 GC “Chili Red,” a shoe I hated so much upon receiving it in the mail I actually sold it IMMEDIATELY on GOAT (one of several sneaker resale sites; StockX is probably the most popular) and only made like $10 bucks after the fact. I didn’t even try them on. Prior to that, my last successful encounter with the SNKRS app was the Air Jordan 11 Breds (2019; the year makes a difference) in December; I took those shoes with me to Ghana and tip-toed in my Jordans all over Accra.

The SNKRS app keeps track of all your “wins.” I really wish they’d keep track of all my Ls because of those, I takes aplenty. I used to take it personally but it’s Tuesday, big things are poppin’ and I’ve taken a more logical emotion-less approach to wondering why I can’t seem to hit for shit on the SNKRS app anymore.

Allow me to offer a completely rational, highly likely (unlikely?) list of 10 potential reasons why the SNKRS app won’t let me be great anymore.

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1. God don’t like ugly and ain’t too fond of pretty, neither.

Maybe God thinks the shoes I keep trying to cop are neither ugly, nor pretty and mostly just doesn’t want me to have them. I mean, I like the PSG 4s but maybe God doesn’t think they’d look good on my feet.

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2. I don’t really need to be spending the money anyway and SNKRS knows that.

I mean, maybe Nike is really in the business of saving marriages, families and bank accounts.

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3. SNKRS is a hater.

Probably this one is the real reason if we’re being honest.

4. Somebody else wanted the shoes more than I did so their trigger finger was itching more than mine.

Yeah, okay.

5. SNKRS is a BIG hater.

I’m back to this because it’s probably true.

6. The hate is strong with the SNKRS app.

Did I say this already? Not sure.

7. I have too many shoes and my wife is annoyed that new shoes keep coming in and SNKRS doesn’t want my wife to be unhappy.

SNKRS, again, is on that “save the marriage” tip. I, however, feel that it is impossible to have too many shoes. My wife might agree. I’d like the record to reflect that there is nothing wrong with requesting that your shoes get their own, climate-controlled room for themselves, nor is it odd to spend time with your shoes where you offer encouraging words and affirmations to one’s shoes. That’s normal.

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8. Bots have taken over the app.

Folks use bots to score on the app. This is probably the most likely reason.

9. Because of COVID-19, everybody and their mother has become a burgeoning sneakerhead or at the very least likes to make sure they’re standing in the way of my victory.

I see you.

10. SNKRS is a baldhead, scallywag...and a hater.

Yep, back to this.

Panama Jackson is the Senior Editor of Very Smart Brothas. He's pretty fly for a light guy. You can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking all her brown liquors.

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DISCUSSION

One of the many reason I left the sneaker culture alone. I would bust my ass to physically wait in line or be on a computer trying to just get the right to pay hundreds of dollars for shoes. Shoes that they release in another 2-3 years again at slightly higher prices.