This Holiday Season, Be Thankful You're Not Jason Whitlock

Illustration for article titled This Holiday Season, Be Thankful You're Not Jason Whitlock
Screenshot: FOX

“It could be worse” seems to have overtaken the many versions of “I’m fine” on the list of the most common responses to “How are you doing?” Understandable, considering that we’re in a global pandemic and just responding with “I’m fine” feels both disingenuous and insensitive. But while “It could be worse” is sufficiently sober, it’s vague, ominous, and boring, and I believe it would be much more precise with a slight alteration: “It could be worse. I could be Jason Whitlock.”

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Why does this work? Why is Whitlock such a fitting baseline? Well, imagine what must lurk inside of you—which demons you must be battling; which slot machine replaced your soul—for posting this transparently bad faith inquiry after someone experienced an unspeakable tragedy.

Seriously, how fucked up must you be to do that? And yes, I know we’re all fucked up in some capacity. But not that fucked up. I don’t even know who you are, but I’m certain you’re less fucked than this! You, person reading this, are a better person than the motherfucker who tweeted this. I’m sure of it!

I also don’t know what you do for a living! Perhaps you’re a plumber. Or a lawyer. Or a school bus driver. Or maybe you hold boom mikes on porn sets. I don’t know! But I know—I am certain—that you have at least one professional colleague who respects your work. Perhaps you even have some friends among them. So imagine how terrible you must be at your job—and at the basic functions of humanity—to work in the same field for 30 years and have no one who looks like you still fuck with you. No one who’d publicly claim you as a friend. No one who’d recommend you. No one who’d engage with your work unless it’s to say “Guess what this wack nigga did?” Fam, do you realize how shitty you must be to be the HDWIC (Head Dog Whistle in Charge) at Fox Sports and get fired from there? Where motherfucking Fox (Fox!) Drop Squad-ed you?

Shit, look at this screenshot!

Illustration for article titled This Holiday Season, Be Thankful You're Not Jason Whitlock
Screenshot: Outkick
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And this one!

Illustration for article titled This Holiday Season, Be Thankful You're Not Jason Whitlock
Screenshot: Outkick
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How fat must the worms in your brain be to put your name on this shit? I’d be embarrassed for him if he still possessed the capacity to feel shame. Imagine getting invited to your 12-year-old nephew’s career day, being introduced as a “famous writer,” and the teacher showing this slide? What would you say?

Of course, I’m not the first person to say any of this. And I doubt I’ll be the last. I’m just taking stock of things we all should be thankful for. While stuck in the muck and the morass of everyday life, it can be easy sometimes to forget our blessings. So, if you believe in God (which I do), please spend a moment today to thank Him for making you you and not that guy.

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)

DISCUSSION

illinimike
IlliniMike

How fat must the worms in your brain be to put your name on this shit?

Holy lord this is the funniest sentence I’ve read this week. Damon, I hereby transfer Whitlock’s Good Writering Award to you.

https://deadspin.com/jason-whitlock-is-sad-he-cant-win-a-pulitzer-so-we-mad-5982439