20 Questions About Avengers: Infinity War From a Guy Who Just Watched It and Still Might Be Very Confused

Thanos in Avengers: Infinity War
Thanos in Avengers: Infinity War
Screenshot: Marvel Studios

(Sidenote: There are spoilers here. Like, literally all of the spoilers.)

1. Why Thanos’ chin like that?

2. Speaking of Thanos, did that nigga really throw a whole-ass moon at Iron Man?

3. How the fuck can you beat someone who throws whole-ass moons at niggas’ grills?


4. How were Spider-Man and Iron Man—who are both quite human—able to breathe with their masks off on Titan?

5. Who is Captain America’s tailor?

6. Since he’s a fugitive—equipped with the “I’m a fugitive now” beard—where did he find the time to get a whole-ass dark-blue Captain America suit?


7. What does the soul stone do, besides make you murder Zoe Saldana?

8. Is this a safe space to admit that I had no idea who Tony Stark/Iron Man was until Ghostface started calling himself that?

9. Is the Hulk’s impotence an implicit metaphor for economic and racial anxiety in the face of ceaseless and terrifying progress, a fear of becoming an anachronism in a world that no longer needs or wants him, or does Bruce Banner just need to eat some more asparagus?

10. Why do all of the female superheros have wack superpowers?

11. Why they do Wakanda like that?

12. Why couldn’t the climactic battle happen in Poland or Norway or Portland or in a Cracker Barrel parking lot or something?


13. How come all of the black superheroes and Saldana’s blackish superhero died?

14. If Thanos already had the time stone, why didn’t he just go back in time to when all of the Avengers were babies and kill them in their cribs?


15. Is Star-Lord a Trump scion? Because that would be the only way to explain why his dumb ass fucked the entire universe. (Seriously, considering the stakes, that might have been the most quintessentially “dumbass white boy” thing that has ever happened in the history of dumbass white boys.)

16. Why did Thor wait for Thanos to get the last infinity stone before throwing his hammer? Like, you go to a whole-ass planet, convince Goth Tyrion Lannister to build you a Thanos-killing-specific weapon, swallow a whole-ass star just so Emo Tyrion has enough juice to build the weapon, and then you wait until a second after using the weapon will be useless to finally use it?


17. Why are the powers of the Marvel superheroes so imbalanced? You got niggas like Thor, who’s an actual God, and Dr. Strange, who does whatever the fuck it is that he does. And then you have Falcon ... who’s just a nigga with some boneless wingdings duct-taped to him.

18. Why did Spider-Man’s death make my eyes sweat?

19. Why did I feel the same way after this ended as I did after I watched Se7en?

20. Is Thanos black?

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)

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Thanos is a white man who used to beat his wife. (Google Josh Brolin Diane Lane)

Why do all of the female superheros have wack superpowers?

Because they are determined to make Scarlett Johansen happen whether we want it or not.

Star Lord had one job. And just like Kenya Duke’s Husband he just couldn’t seem to manage it.

Why they do Wakanda like that?

At first I was like, half the people? T’challa should roll the dice. But then I ultimately understood the choice cause if there was even a POSSIBILITY of losing Okye in any circumstance that makes sense.

But then I was like wait isn’t why he basically broke up with Storm?