25 Questions for the People Who Wear Masks While Driving Their Cars

Illustration for article titled 25 Questions for the People Who Wear Masks While Driving Their Cars
Photo: Shutterstock (Shutterstock)

1. Why are you doing this?

2. I don’t get it?

3. I mean I get how COVID has invaded our brains and made us question whether the things we’re doing are healthy and safe?

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4. Just yesterday I rubbed hand sanitizer on a Snickers wrapper before opening it?

5. Which I’m certain isn’t safe?

6. And maybe why I’ve been sneezing all day?

7. Have you ever seen a hedgehog in person?

8. I don’t think I have?

9. But, from what I (think I) know about them, COVID turned me into one?

10. Because I only leave the house for food and sunlight?

11. And I haven’t had a haircut since March?

12. And now I think I look like one?

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13. Either that or I look like John Shaft’s cousin, James Shift?

14. But anyway, I guess I get it?

15. If you had or planned to have passengers?

16. But if you’re the only person in your passenger-less car, why are you wearing a mask?

17. Did you just come from somewhere that required masks, and you just forgot to take it off?

18. Or do you just not feel like going through the process of putting it back on when you exit the car?

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19. Which sounds to me like wearing your drawers in the shower?

20. Or brushing your hair while wearing a hat?

21. How are you even breathing with your stale stank mask breath mixing with your stale stank car stink?

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22. But more than anything else, you’re just making me paranoid?

23. And questioning whether I should be wearing masks in my car, too?

24. Now, I’m the irresponsible one because I drive mask-free?

25. Fuck you?

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)

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DISCUSSION

I LOVE MASKS!

  • No more smelling other peoples poor hygiene and looking at things stuck in their snaggle-puss.
  • People can’t expect you to give the Mid-Western smile greeting anymore.
  • It limits facial expression and acoustics so no more “small talk”.
  • My face hasn’t been this supple in years from the constant steaming.
  • I merely have to point at things and people can’t be mad about it.
  • I can swear at people from a distance and they can’t read my lips or flick my tongue like Gene Simmons and people can’t tell what I’m doing. It’s great!