Photo: iStock

1. Why do you think it’s cool to try to touch my baby?

2. Do you realize that my baby is 2?

3. And that she literally just learned the concepts of “yes” and “no” a year ago?

4. Which means that even if she says “yes” when you ask her if you can touch her, it’s not a solid “yes” because she’s nervous and confused about why this random person is asking her if they can touch her?

5. WHICH IS WHY YOU SHOULDN’T ASK A 2-YEAR-OLD IF YOU CAN TOUCH HER?

6. And do you realize that by “You shouldn’t ask a 2-year-old if you can touch her,” I DON’T mean that you should just touch her without asking?

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7. Do you realize that “Should I touch this random black baby?” is a question you should never ponder unless you want your ass whooped?

8. Do you want your ass whooped?

9. Why, out of the now thousands of people who have seen my baby in person, are random white people the only people who try to touch her?

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10. What is it about your whiteness or perhaps my baby’s blackness that compels you to reach for her?

11. Do you maybe think that her skin is made of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and that her hair is made of angel-hair-pasta-sized Snickers bars?

12. Are you just hungry?

13. Do you believe my baby is a snack?

14. Do you realize that I actually didn’t want to make this a race thing?

15. But that when I thought about all of the random strangers who’ve attempted to touch her, they’ve all been white people?

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16. DO YOU BELIEVE BLACK BABIES ARE EDIBLE, like human-sized chocolate Easter Peeps?

17. Do you know where your hands have been?

18. Do you realize that was a rhetorical question because I don’t give a shit where your hands have been, and the only shits I give about your hands are inextricably connected to how close they happen to be to my baby’s body?

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19. What exactly do you plan to accomplish by touching my baby?

20. Is “touching a random black baby” a white person’s infinity stone?

21. Will touching a certain number of black babies unlock a new level of whiteness that allows you to snap your fingers and make couscous disappear?

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22. WHAT DID COUSCOUS EVER DO TO YOU?

23. Have you maybe never seen a black baby in person?

24. Do you realize that I don’t give a shit about whether my baby is the first black baby you’ve seen in person?

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25. Are you really prepared to fight both me and the kombucha-chugging mother of my black baby if you proceed to touch her despite our clear body language (and words) suggesting you better not fucking do that?