Screenshot: Universal Pictures (YouTube)

This time last week, I was in New Orleans for Panama’s bachelor party weekend. I arrived Friday afternoon, and after the fellas already in New Orleans returned from the plantation tour, we gathered in Panama’s hotel room to kick it and determine our plans for the night. The TV happened to be on, and Girls Trip happened to be on the TV, and the 10 of us there, well, watched the fuck out of it.

Here are our stories.

1. “This is really on the nose.”

2. “We’re really going to sit here and watch Girls Trip, aint we?”

3. “I’ve never been high enough to hump a couch.”

4. “Queen Latifah had a regular hotation on Living Single.”

5. “She had that jazz album too, right? Anyone cop it?”

“My dad.”

6. “But really ... we’re about to watch this entire movie? There’s nothing else on?”

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7.Girls Trip is basically the black The Hangover. Except no one dies.”

“Someone died in The Hangover?”

“Everyone dies.”

“Yeah ... I think you’re thinking The Perfect Storm.”

8. “Do y’all watch Ballers? Who is the target audience of that show?”

“Niggas in hotel rooms watching Girls Trip.”

9. “If there was a movie about this weekend what would it be called?”

“Probably Don’t Lose Your Job. Or the sequel Don’t Get Arrested.

10. “Regina Hall still fine as fuck. Looks like she always smells good too. Like cocoa butter and severance pay.”

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11. “Any of y’all ever tried that pineapple thing.”

***Silence***

“Ok.”

12. “How much you think Mike Epps got paid for this?”

“I think they paid that nigga in cash and weed.”

13. “Mike Coulter better be careful on Twitter before they swap his ass with Ving Rhames.”

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14. “What the fuck is a Ving anyway?”

15. “But for real how is Luke Cage the worst part of Luke Cage?”

16. “Any of y’all ever go to Essence Fest?”

“I did this year.”

“Was it as lit as I heard it was? 600,000 sistas all looking for a good-ass time.”

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“Yeah, it was crazy, I mean just on day one I saw Redacted and Redacted and Redacted with Redacted had no idea Redacted was that, well, um, fun. And then that night Redacted Redacted Redacted Redacted Redacted Redacted Redacted Redacted Redacted.”

“Damn!”

17. “How come niggas don’t do dance-offs in clubs anymore?”

“Because we need to stretch. I’ll do a stretch-off though.”

“Isn’t that just yoga?”

18. Jason’s Lyric was a long ass time ago. Fuck.”

19. “Can we fast forward through that sausage scene? It’s tough to watch.”

“This is a hotel TV, there is no fast forwarding.”

“Well, close caption that motherfucker or something. Either way, I don’t want to see it.”

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20. “Katt Williams said that those niggas in Hollywood are vampires and devil-worshippers.”

“You believe him?”

“Larenz Tate been aging backwards since Dead Prez, so he might have a point.”

21. “Tiffany Haddish is basically the female Katt Williams.”

22. “You know they’re making a sequel, right?”

“Why?”

“Jada needs a new boat.”

23. “I think a small watermelon would work better for that than a pineapple anyway. Plus less acid in the juice.”

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“That’s racist.”

24. (Directed at Panama and I) “Y’all better not write about this.”

25. “Actually, maybe you should. Please do.”