The NBA—the best professional sports league in the history of history—is back Tuesday night, with 30 teams all vying to be the one that wins the last game of the season. Here’s why none of them will.
30. Chicago Bulls
Because I triple-dog dare you to name five people on their team without Googling the answers. Actually, fuck five. Just name three.
29. New York Knicks
28. Brooklyn Nets
Because D’Angelo Russell is the Travis Scott of professional basketball.
27. Indiana Pacers
Because they gave Paul George and Paul George’s perfect hairline away for a case of grapefruit La Croix and some moderately comfortable chancletas.
26. Orlando Magic
Because the best thing about Orlando is the looks on people’s faces when I tell them I’ve never been to Disney World.
25. Detroit Pistons
Because Bobby Shmurda is still their starting point guard.
24. Atlanta Hawks
Because “Dennis Schroder” and “Kent Bazemore” sound like the names of perpetually bemused coroners on NCIS instead of NBA players.
23. Phoenix Suns
Because Josh Jackson very obviously saw Lonzo Ball’s shooting form and said, “Hold my beer!” AND HE’S NOT EVEN LEGALLY ABLE TO DRINK!
22. Sacramento Kings
Because the only King I acknowledge is T’Challa.
21. Los Angeles Lakers
Because Lonzo Ball reminds me too much of Drake, and you can’t win the NBA Finals if you’re reminding niggas of Drake.
20. Dallas Mavericks
Because when Harrison Barnes is your best player, that means Harrison Barnes is your best player. (Dennis Smith is a dog, though.)
19. Charlotte Hornets
Because they always try really hard, but no one cares about them. They’re the Bow Wow of NBA teams.
Because DeMarcus Cousins is basketball shingles.
17. Utah Jazz
Because as white as you’d assumed Salt Lake City is, the Pittsburgh Greater Metropolitan Area is somehow even whiter. (I know that has no relevance here. I just wanted to share.)
16. Philadelphia 76ers
Because before Markelle Fultz, the last healthy No. 1 pick to not start the first game of the season was Anthony Bennett. (Yikes.)
15. Memphis Grizzlies
Because everything is just too hard for them. They’re basically the NBA version of every character Kimberly Elise has ever played.
14. Miami Heat
Because Waiters Island has termites.
13. Minnesota Timberwolves
Because Jeff Teague still always looks like a nigga who just reneged in spades and hopes no one catches him.
12. Portland Trail Blazers
Because they’re just not good enough.
11. Milwaukee Bucks
Because it’s not 2020 yet.
10. Los Angeles Clippers
Because DeAndre Jordan just wasn’t a convincing-enough wife in those State Farm commercials.
9. Toronto Raptors
Because they get more nervous during the playoffs than sexy acorns do when they see fat squirrels.
8. Denver Nuggets
Because they’re the basketblogger and analytic darlings, which means they’re full of dudes who won’t do shit in the playoffs, when everyone actually gives a damn.
7. Washington Wizards
Because John Wall still can’t shoot.
6. Oklahoma City Thunder
Because the first time Melo tries to go Hoodie Melo in downtown Oklahoma City, he will definitely get profiled and arrested.
5. Boston Celtics
Because their three best players are a flat-earther, a Zara mannequin and a Dominican, and you can’t win when your three best players are flat-earthers, Zara mannequins and Dominicans.
4. Houston Rockets
Because James Harden apparently already had his jersey retired, not by the Rockets, but by the Dreams strip club. (Seriously.)
3. San Antonio Spurs
Because of how badly I want the Spurs to win this year just so they can accept the invitation to the White House and Gregg Popovich can spit in Donald Trump’s face. And since I want that to happen so badly, it’s not going to happen.
2. Cleveland Cavaliers
Because a small-ball lineup of LeBron, D. Wade, Derrick Rose, J.R. Smith and Jeff Green might have been the single most athletic five-man unit in history ... in 2011.
1. Golden State Warriors