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The NBA—the best professional sports league in the history of history—is back Tuesday night, with 30 teams all vying to be the one that wins the last game of the season. Here’s why none of them will.

30. Chicago Bulls

Because I triple-dog dare you to name five people on their team without Googling the answers. Actually, fuck five. Just name three. 

29. New York Knicks


28. Brooklyn Nets

Because D’Angelo Russell is the Travis Scott of professional basketball.

27. Indiana Pacers

Because they gave Paul George and Paul George’s perfect hairline away for a case of grapefruit La Croix and some moderately comfortable chancletas.


26. Orlando Magic

Because the best thing about Orlando is the looks on people’s faces when I tell them I’ve never been to Disney World.

25. Detroit Pistons

Because Bobby Shmurda is still their starting point guard.

24. Atlanta Hawks

Because “Dennis Schroder” and “Kent Bazemore” sound like the names of perpetually bemused coroners on NCIS instead of NBA players.


23. Phoenix Suns

Because Josh Jackson very obviously saw Lonzo Ball’s shooting form and said, “Hold my beer!” AND HE’S NOT EVEN LEGALLY ABLE TO DRINK!

22. Sacramento Kings

Because the only King I acknowledge is T’Challa.

21. Los Angeles Lakers

Because Lonzo Ball reminds me too much of Drake, and you can’t win the NBA Finals if you’re reminding niggas of Drake.


20. Dallas Mavericks

Because when Harrison Barnes is your best player, that means Harrison Barnes is your best player. (Dennis Smith is a dog, though.)

19. Charlotte Hornets

Because they always try really hard, but no one cares about them. They’re the Bow Wow of NBA teams.


18. New Orleans Pelicans

Because DeMarcus Cousins is basketball shingles.

17. Utah Jazz

Because as white as you’d assumed Salt Lake City is, the Pittsburgh Greater Metropolitan Area is somehow even whiter. (I know that has no relevance here. I just wanted to share.)


16. Philadelphia 76ers

Because before Markelle Fultz, the last healthy No. 1 pick to not start the first game of the season was Anthony Bennett. (Yikes.)

15. Memphis Grizzlies

Because everything is just too hard for them. They’re basically the NBA version of every character Kimberly Elise has ever played.


14. Miami Heat

Because Waiters Island has termites. 

13. Minnesota Timberwolves

Because Jeff Teague still always looks like a nigga who just reneged in spades and hopes no one catches him.


12. Portland Trail Blazers

Because they’re just not good enough.

11. Milwaukee Bucks

Because it’s not 2020 yet.

10. Los Angeles Clippers

Because DeAndre Jordan just wasn’t a convincing-enough wife in those State Farm commercials.


9. Toronto Raptors

Because they get more nervous during the playoffs than sexy acorns do when they see fat squirrels.

8. Denver Nuggets

Because they’re the basketblogger and analytic darlings, which means they’re full of dudes who won’t do shit in the playoffs, when everyone actually gives a damn.


7. Washington Wizards

Because John Wall still can’t shoot.

6. Oklahoma City Thunder

Because the first time Melo tries to go Hoodie Melo in downtown Oklahoma City, he will definitely get profiled and arrested. 


5. Boston Celtics

Because their three best players are a flat-earther, a Zara mannequin and a Dominican, and you can’t win when your three best players are flat-earthers, Zara mannequins and Dominicans.

4. Houston Rockets

Because James Harden apparently already had his jersey retired, not by the Rockets, but by the Dreams strip club. (Seriously.)


3. San Antonio Spurs

Because of how badly I want the Spurs to win this year just so they can accept the invitation to the White House and Gregg Popovich can spit in Donald Trump’s face. And since I want that to happen so badly, it’s not going to happen.

2. Cleveland Cavaliers

Because a small-ball lineup of LeBron, D. Wade, Derrick Rose, J.R. Smith and Jeff Green might have been the single most athletic five-man unit in history ... in 2011.


1. Golden State Warriors

Because there might actually be a nuclear war before the end of the season.