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I've never smoked weed. It's illegal in the state of Pennsylvania. And I don't break the law. Because breaking the law is illegal. And I'm a role model.

But, for fun, let's create an alternative reality where I smoked weed before. Let's also say I wasn't a habitual weed smoker, but I smoked enough to be aware of the residual effects. Let's then add some hypothetical friends and family members who've been known to smoke before.

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Again, please be reminded this is a completely hypothetical alternative reality solely conjured as a thought exercise. Neither I nor any of the people alluded to in the previous paragraph have done any of this before. Because breaking the law is illegal.

Anyway, continuing this exercise, let's say this experience combined with learned knowledge about the effects of marijuana consumption to give me an idea of what usually happens to you when you smoke weed. Today, as part of the exercise, I'll create and share a list of five things that happen to you when you smoke weed.

But, before I begin, let me give you a spoiler: Nothing — absolutely, positively, nothing — on the list suggests "a want to attack and try to kill an armed police officer" is one of the side effects of getting high. In fact, it literally makes you want to do the exact opposite thing. Like sleep. Or fuck. Or fall asleep while fucking. Which is why I'm confused why Michael Brown having marijuana in his system when he was killed has any relevance, as if it had something to do with his death.

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(Actually, I'm not confused at all. But, with thought exercises, you occasionally raise hypothetical questions you already know the answers to.)

Anyway, the list.

1. You want to eat all the bacon in the world

If you don't eat pork, substitute whichever bitch-ass food you eat instead of bacon for bacon

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2. You want to have sex

Hey, people who smoke weed alone, why the hell do you do this? Don't you get horny too? If no other people are around, do you just start dry humping futons and packages of garlic hummus? Why am I asking so many questions?

3. You want to laugh

Because weed without laughter is like crab cakes without crab. Just some off-brand bread crumbs, man.

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4. You want to freestyle rap

Ok. Maybe this is just hypothetical me who gets the urge to freestyle whenever I smoke hypothetical weed. Perhaps you want to dance or crotchet or something. And that's great. Good for you. I — well, the hypothetical "I" — just want to battle Loaded Lux.

5. You want to sleep

And then wake up and do everything again. But with Gatorade and Krispy Kremes as well.

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Again, no mention of or allusion to getting high making you want to attack and attempt to shoot an armed police officer. But maybe hypothetical me — and everyone else in the entire history of weed who has ever gotten high before — is doing it wrong.