On the list of things I’ve always wanted to be in life, placing “ninja” on LinkedIn is definitely high on the list. Of course, that desire ebbs and flows because who the hell ever thinks they’re going to be an actual, real-live ninja? But as it turns out, that shit is legit a real job.
But as it turns out, a whole-ass city in Japan, Iga, is suffering from a shortage of employed-ass ninjas. The city, which claims to be the birthplace of the ninja, is having the damndest time getting people to apply for the job. According to Business Insider:
You may have heard about Japan’s demographic crisis, but the country is facing another, lesser-known crisis as well.
Japan does not have enough ninjas.
This issue is especially difficult given Japan’s extremely low unemployment rate, which is just 2.5%.
It is therefore hard to find workers in Japan, let alone highly specialized ninja performers.
“Ninja is not an inheritable class. Without severe training, nobody could become a ninja. That’s why they have silently disappeared in history,” Sugako Nakagawa, the curator of the local ninja museum, told Reuters in 2008.
“But this job does have a lot to offer,” Herships says. “First of all, the pay is quite competitive. Today, ninjas can earn anything from $23,000 to about $85,000 — which is a really solid salary, and in fact, a lot more than real ninjas used to earn in medieval Japan.”
Dog. I could get as much as $85,000 per year to be a real live ninja? It sounds too good to be true. I’m also not Japanese so the likelihood of fulfilling that LinkedIn dream is small. However, what this news has done for me is open my mind to a litany of other things that I never viewed as real jobs. Perhaps I was shortsighted and maybe the IRS could (presumably) recognize some shit (here in ‘Murica) as a job that just might could be one. Such as? Such as:
1. Real nigga
I don’t know the requirements or the hours. Hell, I don’t even know what “real nigga” means. But I imagine that there’s somebody who would pay a salary to see this job through. I’m all in, fam. All. In.
Not like a manager or anything, but just, like, a boss. Everybody out here likes talking about being a boss. Well, what if you could put that shit down as current title and somebody was legit paying you $75,000-$165,000 off the strength of the fact that Rick Ross was the biggest boss that we’d seen thus far to that point.
3. Bickin’ Back Being Bool-er
Listen, I know it sounds dumb, but before yesterday, I didn’t think being a real ninja was a profession. I just thought it was a very time-intensive hobby. So you can kick back and be cool like regular folks, or you can bick back and be bool, which has to level shit up to the point of being damn near employable. Fight me.
4. Slip ‘N Slide Tester
Now this is a real skill set. I feel like Slip ‘N Slides never quite work out for most of us like they do on television. How many kids have fallen off the slide half way through. Well, I may be able to change all of that. I can be the dude who goes out and slips, then slides. And approves them for your children. It’s not a thing, but it could be.
5. Professional Shoe Model
I buy way too many shoes. Some of them I post on social media because I think my ankle angle game is top notch. What if...what if I could make an actual living doing this? If this shit paid $8 per hour it would be a total win.
6. Professional Test Car Driver
I’m pretty sure this actually exists now that I think about it. I watch too many videos where folks do test drives on cars and then give their opinions on them. In fact, I need to make this happen. I just test drove a Tesla the other day. HOLLA BACK AT ME TESLA!
Mostly though, I want to be a professional ninja. Japan, here I come.