Way back yonder, we brought you the list of “7 Great Reasons to Be a Petty Motherfucker” in hopes of spearheading a #LoveYourselfEvenInYourPetty movement. While it looks like the movement is already in full swing, it’s always good to have some justification for one’s petty. Well, friends, Christmastime brings up a whole SLEW of other great reasons to be petty.
The entire season, while rooted in giving and shit, is chock-full of people who have no idea what the season is all about and fuck the dog regularly. From relationships to horrible-gift giving, it’s time to take back the season. Instead of smiling every year like you do, fuck it, be the empire: Strike back. Let your petty flag fly. It’s yours, right?
Here’s the rub: Christmas is the PERFECT time to be petty. Folks been acting a donkey toward you? You literally can gift folks with all of the petty your heart holds. And they really can’t say shit except WONDER if you’re being petty. But you’ll be smiling that eggnog-under-the-mistletoe smile all the livelong day, and what can they do?
Regift. That’s all they got.
Hey ... question? Why is it OK to be petty, especially at a time like Christmas?
Answer: Because a) niggas microaggress you every day, and b) is November through December full of days? Yes. Then niggas is microaggressing during Christmas. #StopMicroaggressingMeBBeforeYouCatchThesePineconesFam
Too cut and dried? Let’s go deeper, Tom Petty.
1. Some folks are super-lazy shoppers.
You know that family member who always gets you what THEY want to give you? Yeah, I hate them niggas. One Christmas, I literally got a soap-and-lotion set. Why? I got soap. I got lotions. I use the finest Palmer’s Coconut Oil Moisturizing Lotions on my skin. Only soap made from the finest flecks of ... soap (?) grace these hands. But cool. You gon’ catch these pantyhose-stays, Auntie Glotilda. Because me and Lenny Williams love you.
2. Some folks don’t listen for shit.
So you remember last year when I asked for HBO’s The Wire box set? And you just gon’ and went and ackded like I didn’t ask for HBO’s The Wire box set and got me Brooklyn Nine-Nine season 4 and ONLY season 4, like I own seasons 1-3? Cool. I see you, motherfucker. You right, B, they’re both “cop” shows. What did I get for you? Deez nuts, that’s what.
3. Because some folks (and family members) like to remind you that Christmas is the white man’s holiday.
They usually do this to explain why they ain’t participating, USUALLY as a means of explaining why they won’t be getting anybody any gifts while happily accepting any and all gifts. Uncle Unklé might not get you any socks, but he does look forward to that bottle of Hennessy XO that the family springs for every holiday season. This time? Get that nigga some box wine and watch him complain. THEN remind him that he hasn’t gotten anybody a gift since Clinton was president ... when he was last employed. Because why? Because petty.
4. Gift giving really is time-consuming. And folks don’t appreciate you enough anyway. Fuck it.
Say you don’t even feel like going through the whole rigamarole of Christmas shopping. It’s exhausting even if you DO have the money. Fuck it, stroll up in the house with no gifts wearing a smile and that new outfit your mother who did go Christmas shopping got you. Petty? Maybe. But, hell, nobody uses any of the gifts you got the last few Christmases anyway. They’ll be a’ight.
5. Bring plates and drinks to the dinner party even though you make the bomb mac and cheese.
This might be the most petty thing that you can do, but the truth is, nobody truly appreciates you and what you bring to the table anyway—always asking for your recipe so that they can make it themselves. That’s fine; they can make it this time, then. Ho ho ho, bitches.
6. Because God ain’t done with you yet.
From July 23, 2015:
While he’s out blessin’ all of the trap niggas, you might get into some situation that makes you want to be petty. Well, it’s not your fault. If God was done with you, you’d be good. But he isn’t, so you’re not. Do you, boo.
Liiiiiiiike, you ain’t got no Christmas boo, so cuffin’ season was a failure. If you ain’t gon’ be happy, nobody is gon’ be happy.
7. You have a week left in the current year ANYWAY before you get to turn over a new nonpetty leaf; might as well get these shots off now so you can “New Year, New Me” and believe it (for a week).
You know Catholics go to confessional and atone for all their sins? New Year’s is the same shit. Whatever fuckery you did in 2017? That’s old news. It’s all about being a new, improved you for 2018 ... until it’s time to be petty again because folks got you fucked up.