When I was alerted to a beer robbery in Arlington, Texas, that happened last week, I assumed some white dude ran into a convenience store, pulled a pistol out, and headed out with some hops. I assumed as much because that story would make sense, or as much sense as any crime can make.
That’s not what happened at all, broseph. No, we have a whole ass bizarre robbery—with photos—that baffled me, in a good way. Because, you know, crime. Sharing is caring, so I’d like to share with you what I thought of as “Say heffa, say what?” about this particular “beer run.”
1. As opposed to tackling this outfit as one unit, we’re going piece by piece. So the most glaring, confounding part of the whole thing is that buddy robbed the spot in sandals. Not even slides, but actual factual leather-topped sandals. They are the type of sandals grown ass black men wear to cookouts and 65th birthday parties and beach extravaganza events where 75 percent of the attendees are wearing some sort of linen. That’s fairly unimportant, though. The most important question of all time: Who the fuck robs anywhere in sandals?
Do you know how confident you have to be in your getaway acumen to rob anybody in sandals? This is some high-level robbery. He’s done this before, probably several times in closed-toe shoes but so many times he knows he got this. If this robbery was Johnnie Walker, it would be Blue Label.
2. Can we talk about the cargo pants? Look, nothing about this job convinces me he planned on robbing anybody that day. His shorts scream Pop Warner youth football dad practice attire.
3. Double for the cut off plaid shirt. Again, nobody robs stores in this attire, except this Heisting Heathen, this Mugging Maven, this Hold-up Harold. Imagine he had gotten caught by police on the way out the store and was put in jail for the night. Imagine folks on the inside asked what he was in for. Now imagine he was in that outfit when he said, “I robbed a store for some beer.” He’d be the laughing stock of the Robbery Contingent. He’d be Hector aka Chorizoooooo! from Coco.
4. My man stole five cases of Bud Light priced at $16.99. I wonder if he went to buy a case but either the clerk or somebody was taking too long for his liking, so he decided to leave with one. Except, if you’re going to rob a store for beer, you can’t just take one. Going to jail over $16.99 is a disgrace. But going to jail over five cases that total $84.95 might qualify as a heist. The cost might not do it, but the number of cases? I think that’s heist-level. I may need some Ocean’s 11/12/13 scholars to chime in here. Point is, it’s better to go to jail for a heist you didn’t plan than for robbing a store for a case of beer in your beach sandals.
5. Mask off, fuck it, mask off. They got buddy’s whole front and profile on camera. If they haven’t found him already, they’re going to. I hope he’s dressed better for jail than he was for the robbery.
6. I’ve never stolen five cases of beer, but I have to wonder how long this took. Again, I don’t believe he went in there thinking he was about to stick them up for some non-autumnal Bud Light. While the commercial says “Bud Lights for everyone,” I just don’t see that being the plan. Assuming the clerk, or whoever, wasn’t in the back, did they just watch this happen in real time? And how long was it? I realize that’s a question for the police, but just in case (see what I did there?) they didn’t ask, like Joe, I wanna know. I’m doing too much. I’ll see myself out.
7. Not for nothing, but this is a pretty non-urgent tweet. Granted, I’m not sure this guy is a threat or menacing, considering the circumstances, but they used an emoji for “call.” Clearly, Arlington PD is not stressing the Beer Runner. Then again, considering how many angles they clearly have of him, he might be the cousin of someone who works in the police department, and they know it.
8. For the record: This is not a good crime.