To have children is to wade into a world of acceptable and appropriate programming and household items. Long gone are the days of blasting 2 Live Crew’s “Me So Horny” at 9 a.m. to get the blood flowing.
Nope, now it’s tossing a kid an iPad and praying they’ll sit there quietly for at least 30 or 45 minutes (knowing it’ll be more like five to eight minutes) so you can get some extra sleep. Or turning on the television. You don’t even have to change the channel; it’s already on PBS or Disney Junior as you let Mickey Mouse and the gang teach your kids manners before you’re awake enough to do so.
Active parenting is sometimes just making sure you hear your kids running around loudly and nobody is crying, knowing that you removed all of the breakables, all of the outlets are covered, the cabinets are locked, and the most damage they can do is write all over the couch you gave up on already. It’s been said before, but parenting is a whole different life. It’s just different. So here are eight things most parents are going to be aware of that those without kids will have little to no (necessary) knowledge of and never talk about excitedly over brunch.
Ryan is a little kid who makes videos of toys. Ryan’s parents SECURED THE BAG to the tune of almost $1 million a month off these YouTube videos of their kid literally playing with toys. To all parents, they’re #FinancialGoals.
A song that will haunt your dreams. Because there are fingers for EVERYTHING.
3. “Johny Johny Yes Papa”
Another YouTube video series. The linked video? Has views rivaling any hot music video that exists. My kids alone have to account for several hundred thousand views. Also doubles as my youngest son’s current obsession.
Lots of people hate Caillou (pronounced ky-yoo). I don’t know why. He’s just a boy that’s 4. How do you hate a 4-year-old with a job on TV already? Also, Caillou lives on Pine Street, and Caillou from Pine Street sounds like a formidable gang member from South Central. Forgive me, South Los Angeles.
5. Little Einsteins
Their theme song is awesome, but you probably already know the remix that had the trap going crazy a few years ago. The show itself is pretty cool, as they teach my kids all of the musical notes I forgot when I quit playing keyboard all those years ago. Plus, one of the kids is black and his name is Quincy. We’re all going on a trip on our favorite rocket ship, fam. With Quincy, who plays the trumpet.
6. Bumbo Seat
It’s a chair, brodie. People who sell them and the folks they’ve convinced to buy them will have you believe it’s the necessary intermediate step between learning to sit up and actually doing it. Ours was in a closet most of the time. Our kids sit up just fine. It’s a chair, brodie.
Believe it or not, that is NOT a ’90s rapper name. This little $14.99-to-$19.99 gem exists to help you suck the snot out of your child’s nose, something you will do many times to alleviate your child’s inability to breathe due to mucus buildup, which means no sleep for baby or you and no more parties in L.A. Please, baby, no more parties in L.A.
8. Appropriate Intervals for Alternating Motrin and Tylenol to Keep a Fever Down
Kids catch everything. Colds. Fevers. Cold fevers. Whatever. You take your kid to the doctor and they tell you in order to keep the fever down, you can alternate kids’ medicines at specific intervals, enabling the medicine to do double duty. And you’re afraid to mix aspirin and beer.