A couple months ago, our sources were somehow able to find an email conversation between Nicki Minaj and Meek Mill. And then, a couple weeks later, one between Meek Mill and Drake. And then, those same sources found another email conversation, but between Drake and Serena Williams. And then a couple months after that, they found a conversation between President Obama and Kanye West. We have great sources. Our sources are the shit.
And now, they've managed to find another conversation between Serena Williams and Drake. But this one addresses the recent rumors of them being engaged.
A condensed version can be found below.
From: Serena@Serena.Serena: To: email@example.com: 8:58am
U hear those rumors about us being engaged? LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL! U didnt start them, did u?
From: firstname.lastname@example.org: To: Serena@Serena.Serena: 9:03am
What is a rumor, really? Is it a fact without a face? The truth with no teeth? An honest act without a home? We persecute rumors, like they need to be in prison. But the only prison is the one in our hearts.
Serena, all this rumor talk reminds me of my favorite rumor ever. I was at a Macy's in Pittsburgh in 2012. Or a McDonalds, I don't remember, really. What I do remember is that I was standing in line, either waiting to buy some Sperry Docksiders or an Oreo McFlurry, and Amber from College Park came up to me and said she heard that I like to type "Wow, I'm just now seeing this" when replying to old texts. Even though I had already seen it like weeks ago and just didn't reply. I told her I loved her, and that I wanted to give her the world. And that her grandmother would never have to work overtime again.
And she just looked past me, like I wasn't standing there being Drake. And then I saw her earpiece, and realized she wasn't actually talking to me, Drake, but someone else.
And then I got lightheaded. And had to sit down and call my mom. She was like "Who's this?" And I was like "You know who I am, mom. It's Drake. The 6 God. Your son." And she was like "I keep telling you how much I hate calling you Drake, Aubrey. I also hate brussel sprouts. So, for now on, I'm just going to call you Brussel Sprout." And I was like "That's fine, mom." And she was like "Ok, Brussel Sprout. Anyway, why are you calling me?"And I was like "Remember that school year when Kimberly, the new girl from Hamilton, Ontario, started telling everyone I was Eddie Munster? And I used to cry on our patio everyday? And then make snow angels until dusk?" And she was like "I remember, Brussel Sprout. It was because of your widow's peak." And I was like "Yes. Yes it was. What did you tell me?" And she was like "I told you that we're Jewish, so deal with it. And that you need to stop making so many snow angels because you're ruining the mulch." And I was like "You told me something else though, didn't you?" And she was like "Yes I did, Brussel Sprout. I told you that I loved you."
From: Serena@Serena.Serena: To: email@example.com: 10:11am
So u start the rumor or not? Actually, nvrmind. Gotta go to practice. later!
From: firstname.lastname@example.org: To: Serena@Serena.Serena: 10:12am
You complete me.