Our crack source team has been able to find multiple leaked email conversations between celebrities such as Drake, Kanye, Drake, Meek Mill, President Obama, and Drake. They outdid themselves this time, though, by finding a conversation Drake recently had with the beard he just cut off.
A condensed version of the conversation is below:
From: firstname.lastname@example.org: to email@example.com: 10:13am:
I know you're still mad at me because I cut you off. I see you unfollowed me on the Gram this morning. And I know this because I had the Instagram people invent a software to show me exactly when someone unfollows me. Because that lets me know which names to sub in songs I make with Future. Tiffany from Atlanta, Carmen from Houston, Jessica from Charlotte, and now Beard from Toronto. I know you think I don't want you. That I don't miss you. That, when I close my eyes, the first thing I think about after I think about rainbow gummy bears is you. That literally cutting you off of my face means I don't want you around my face anymore. But I need you, Beard, always. And I need you to need to need me. And I need you to know I need you even though I've clearly made a decision to let you know I don't need you. You will always be my first. And while I was a man before I met you, you were the first to make people see my manhood, to see the arms-day-all-the-time side of me, to give my fans an assurance I have an actual penis and not a bowl of quinoa and a thrifted collection of Highlights magazines between my legs. I love you, and I'd love if you continued to love me too. From a far, though. Not on my face.
(There were no return emails from Drake's Beard, because beards are not sentient and therefore can't talk or complete the registration required to start email accounts, so Drake just emailed the beard again.)
From: firstname.lastname@example.org: to email@example.com: 10:15am:
I was feeling down about your Gram unfollow this morning, and remembering the days when I used to take you and rub you against my forearms because I enjoyed the roughness of your tickle, so I called my mom. And she was like "Who is this?" I was like "It's me, mom. It's Drake, your son." And she was like "You know I hate it when you call yourself Drake." And I was like "I know." And she was like "I'm just going to call you DryFace." And I was like "That's cool." And she was like "Why are you calling, DryFace?" And I was like "Remember that fall when I told you I wanted to play football, and you started laughing so hard you started choking on a cherry pit." And she was like "Of course I remember that, DryFace." And I was like "I gave you the Canadian Heimlich. Which was just me tickling your throat with maple leaves." And she was like "You saved my life that day. But then DryFace, when I was done choking, you said 'I really do want to play football this fall' and I almost started choking again. But luckily I was out of cherries." And I was like "I love you mom." And she was like "I love you too, DryFace."