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New York Giants' wide receiver Victor Cruz is engaged to a presumably lovely young woman named Elaina Watley. They’ve been together for the better part of a decade and have an adorable three year old child together . Through it all, presumably Elaina has worn many hats — friend, lover, partner, publicist — but all of them pale in comparison to her recently adopted title of Side Chick Wrangler.

Allegedly, of course. Allegedly, Ms. Watley sent a group text to a bevy of women in the tri-state area (if you believe twitter lore, over 200 of them) asserting her status as the main chick. Allegedly, Elaina took the reins where Victor Cruz was loathe to grasp himself to let them know where they stood. And what was accomplished exactly? Well let’s take a look at the rumored text:

So much to dissect here.

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1. Including Victor in the text message is silly. But beyond that, she just has him by his government? No emoji, no anything? In another life I have an ex saved with the middle name “Don’t Do It Beloved”, but I’m a better me in Q4 of 2015. You find out out that your man is chasing after the Wilt Chamberlain standard of dick dissemination, some petty name relabeling is warranted.

2. “You all know about me and I seem to be the topic of all of your conversations with Vic” — now this seems HIGHLY presumptive, no? Of all the things that ‘Vic’ could discuss during pillow talk in all of the Comfort Inns during the 16 week season, his fiancee wouldn’t be in the top 10 things that would come. Off the top of my head, non-disclosure agreements, preferred side of the bed, and wet-spot protocol would come up first.

3. “I am sure that he tells you many of things about us and how we don’t exist” — who is us, exactly? Her and their kid? The menagerie of women in this ill-advised text? The collective of secret girlfriends of niche celebrities? (How is Emily Bustamente doing, by the way?)

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4. "Just as he tells me you all are whores and mean nothing to him”  — I just want to note that none of this statement sounds like him ever denying that he cheated, assuming they’re in a monogamous relationship. How does this conversation even go? “Baby who’s that girl that stays in your DMs?” “Oh she’s just a whore, don’t worry about it." "You right, honey, you right."

5. “Feel free to exchange notes” — notes about what? How he likes his testicles fondled? STD results? Gift values? I doubt that any one of these chicks are under the idea that they were the one and only but I’m struggling to grasp the true objective here. Ole girl’s thesis is more inconsistent than Tinashe’s sound.

I don’t know what part of reality had Elaina convinced that a 5’9' Puerto Rican nigga from Patterson, NJ would stay loyal. At minimum, his homegirl Yesenia has been providing him a smash-and-crash pad on Dyckman for the La Marina let-out for the past 5 years. Since no part of that text indicated leaving him and his miscreant genitals to his own devices, I'm pretty sure that she is gonna stay where she is while Vic's throng of side chicks will form a sub-group text to kiki about the bonkers baby mama that doesn't know how many condoms you can buy with a 43 million dollar contract.

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As for me? I'm just mad that the top WR on my team won't let his calf recover because he's too busy salsa dancing in an indiscriminate number of lady gardens.