Now this ain't funny so don't you dare laugh but apparently I'm a "motherfucker you lightskinneded" doppelganger to the stars. All my life I had to fight…off the accusations that I look like a varying number of famous to pseudo-famous people. I'd like to say that its flattering but there really aren't any rewards for being a lookalike unless you want to move to Vegas. Though, I did have a woman (literally) follow me around a club one night becuase she thought I was a famous-at-the-time rapper. And when I say follow, I mean, she kept grabbing at me, touching my hand, and trying to get me to dance with her. She wanted to come home with me, which in this case is a pun which will make sense later. Yes, she was drunk. No, I didn't take her home. Call me, maybe.
Because it just happened to me again on this very day in history, the twenty-seventh of April in the year of our lord two thousand and fifteen, I figure, what the hell, let's fuck up some commas and list the various people I can remember who I've been told I resemble or flat out been mistaken for. And no, this does not mean I agree OR think I look like any of these people.
1. Swizz Beatz
Look. I get it. We're both lightskint with beards (on occasion). Not for nothing, Swizz Beatz is the epitome of right time, right place. He was never a great producer but he made hits because his name carried him. The Ruff Ryders were such a force in the late 90s that Swizz managed to eke out a full career based off plucking keys on a keyboard and hitting the "Drumbeat - 110" setting on which ever Casio keyboard he had under his bed that day. DJ Mustard owes him a debt of gratitude. We got off point. I did not have sexual relations with that woman and I do not look like Swizz Beatz. Much.
2. Little X/Director X/X (not to be confused with Malcolm, Triple or "-Rated")
You remember Little X. He was Hype Williams protege. He directed videos for everybody and their grandma back in the early aughts and apparently Kendrick Lamar's "King Kunta" video. He is also lightskinted and rocked a beard for a while. He liked to show up in videos rocking a tshirt as a headwrap. This was also a Panama trademark for years. I still do it on occasion and you cannot convince me that I do not look cool when I do it. Try as you might, you will fail. <—— What all of Ameri(i)e's producers said of her singing career once Rich Harrison stopped working with her.
3. Juelz Santana
Juelz Dip Dip. Santana Set Set. That woman who followed me around the club? Yeah, she thought I was Juelz. See? Pun. I was rocking a bandana that night, something I did frequently. Apparently I look like people when I'm rocking various head accoutrements. Like today…
4. Jussie Smollett
A woman at Pot Belly asked me if anybody has ever told me that I look like Jamal from Empire. I kindly told her no and reminded her that she bet' not put onions on my sandwich. Okay, that's not true. She was finished with my sandwich when she said that to me. You know what I've learned? How receptive I am to these claims depends on how attractive the woman saying it is. If she was a hot, I'm pretty sure I may have jokingly started singing "You're So Beautiful". Basically I'm a woman. Shouts to Bruce Jenner.
Sidenote: I watched the interview. Good for him. Not sure why it needed a two-hour Diane Sawyer interview, but hey, when you're a Kardashian I suppose your entire life is a two-hour interview. I honestly couldn't care less about Bruce Jenner. But good for him on a personal level. Do you, boo. Finding out that he was Republican was a bit more of a shocker than the transgender thing. I mean, conservative Christian Republicans ain't exactly fans of the PlayGod game. But I ain't one to gossip so you ain't heard that from me.
My daughter is in dance school and has been for the last 4 and a half years. While attending one of her dance classes I walked by the receptionist desk where the receptionists asked me if anybody had ever told me I look like Usher. I said…."Raymond?" She said yes. One of the kids had seen me standing there and asked the receptionist if I was, indeed, Usher because he was so excited that Usher was coming to visit their dance school. This is why the look-a-like thing sucks…the sheer disappointment of little white kids as they have to come to the realization that all Black people look alike. I mean, I'm tired of being confused for LeBron James. And I'm tired of hurting little white kids feelings.
6. Christopher "Kid" Reid (from Kid 'N Play)
Yeah yeah. Blow it out your ole wazoo. I do wish I was in House Party 2 though. But I wasn't. Because 13.
7. Jeff Goldblum
Some kids are just cruel, man.
So, who do you look like?