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Ted Cruz is no longer running for president of the United States. Which is good, because Ted Cruz is also maybe — actually, definitely — a murderer. But bad because not being president will give him more time to murder people. Which is what he (probably) does when he's not running for office. Murder people.

Of course, calling Ted Cruz a murderer and insisting that Ted Cruz has murdered motherfuckers before is all speculative. Because I don't really know if Ted Cruz is a murder. (Which he is.) I do, however, have a list of people Ted Cruz probably (definitely) would have murdered if he was a murderer. (Which, again, he is.)

A trucker in a Waffle House bathroom outside of Morgantown, West Virginia in 1989. The trucker asked Ted Cruz if he had a light. And Ted Cruz said "Yeah. I'm gonna light your bitch ass up" and murdered him.

His second grade history teacher. Eight-year-old Ted Cruz was upset he only received a 90 on an exam, and asked his teacher, a 32-year-old woman named Jane Vogel, if he could stay after school for extra tutoring. Ms. Vogel happily accepted his offer. During this private session, Ms. Vogel turned to the blackboard to write the next day's lesson, and eight-year-old Ted Cruz hit her with a stapler. Murdering her. This was (probably) Ted Cruz's first kill.

Her death was blamed on Ms. Vogel's estranged ex-husband, John Vogel, a man whose last words before being electrocuted were "It was the boy!" Witnesses thought he said "tits on deploy" and ignored him.


His second grade math teacher. Wishing to experience and replicate the euphoria of his first kill, 35-year-old Ted Cruz tracked and found his second grade math teacher (Meylin Johnson) in a retirement home in St. Lauderdale, Florida, and murdered him with the stereo from the car Ted Cruz stole to drive to St. Lauderdale. (Admittedly, Ted Cruz is a bit of a bad ass for that.)

A jogger in Dover, Delaware last summer. Ted Cruz has always hated exercise, and a jogger was on the "types of people I want to murder" list he keeps on Google Drive. He finally received his opportunity last summer while driving to Baja Fresh, as he noticed a jogger jogging on an empty road, and he ran him over with his car.

A box of Chick Fil A chicken strips three weeks ago. Ted Cruz didn't actually murder the chicken strips. Because the chicken was already dead. But he really loves Chick Fil A chicken strips, and he attacked the box the same way he attacks people he's about to murder.


The 29-year-old staffer who brought Ted Cruz the box of Chick Fil A chicken strips three weeks ago. One of the strips was lukewarm. And, unbeknownst to the now-murdered staffer, bringing Ted Cruz a lukewarm chicken strip is a murderable offense. So Ted Cruz murdered the hell out of that dude; drowning him in a bucket of Chick Fil A honey mustard sauce.

This is just a short list of Ted Cruz's (probable) confirmed kills. Ted Cruz has maybe (definitely) murdered many others.