Photo: Eduardo Munoz Alvarez (Getty Images)

1. Zero fucks

2. Nil fucks

3. Nan fucks

4. Zot fucks

5. Zip fucks

6. Nada fucks

7. Void fucks

8. Zilch fucks

9. Squat fucks

10. A negative fuck

11. A fuck that exists on an event horizon, which means it doesn’t really exist, at least not with the properties that we’ve come to understand fucks to possess

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12. Naught fucks

13. A lonely and angry fuck that claims no one wanted it in high school and now uses those memories as its justification to exclusively date outside of its race

14. A free-trial-period fuck I plan to discontinue once I’m asked to purchase a subscription

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15. The amount of fucks, generally, that black men over 68 and named “Albert” or “Frank” give

16. A fuck in a vacuum

17. An embargoed fuck

18. A redacted fuck

19. Perhaps, if feeling particularly magnanimous and kind, a one-time and short-lived pity fuck that I immediately regret once it’s been distributed

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20. The amount of fucks that the law enforcement officers in Illinois who are arguing to keep weed illegal to keep police dogs employed give about black lives, which is also zero