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1. Cocaine

2. Learn how to swim

3. Smoke a cigarette

4. Date a white woman: I’m married so this is a moot point anyway. But if I wasn’t, I think 40 is too late to start getting those interracial dating reps in. Plus, I don’t even know what I’d say to a white woman I was interested in. “Hey ... do you want to go to Patagonia this weekend?”

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5. Get into an adult fist fight: Your 2os and early 30s are, I’m assuming, prime fighting years for the adults who still get in fights and shit. If you’re fighting at 40 you need to go sit your silly ass down and watch Criminal Minds or something.

6. Play XBox

7. Get better at Twitter

8. Eat a medium rare steak

9. See a movie in 3-D

10. Fish

11. Hunt

12. Camp

13. Eat the exact right amount of food at a buffet and not cross the threshold from “I’m full” to “FUCK FOOD FOREVER”

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14. Watch the last three seasons of A Different World

15. Wear open-toed sandals with, like, clothes and not on a beach or some shit

16. Be a nigga who plays golf: I’ve played golf once or twice before. But I’ve never been a golf-playing ass nigga and I never will be.

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17. Enjoy rap concerts

18. Spend more than four days in New York City unless I’m getting paid in some way to do it

19. Learn how to cut my own hair

20. Eat beets