A List of Things La Croix Tastes Like

Illustration for article titled A List of Things La Croix Tastes Like
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1. Puddle water with a severance package

2. How Steve Bannon looks

3. Listening to Rita Ora

4. Being open-hand slapped with an almost-ripe banana

5. Gnat pussy

6. A read receipt

7. An ambitious saltine

8. A sincere effort to make colonoscopy prep more tolerable

9. One of those burps that occurs after you’ve been sitting in the same space for a while and you move and the air bubbles in your body also shift and you’re reminded of the taste of a watermelon rind you accidentally ate three weeks ago when you were too aggressive with your bite

10. The immediate feeling in your mouth after learning you’ve been billed for a three-day trial membership you forgot to cancel

11. Something included in a care package Drake sends to ex-girlfriends and randomly selected Cheesecake Factory hostesses each Labor Day


12. A drop of cantaloupe juice that found its way to your mouth after you dropped the cantaloupe you were carrying and watched it splash on your romper

13. Jesus’ sweat

14. A can of San Pellegrino that is really going through some things right now but is used to being the “strong friend” so no one checks on it

15. The beverage equivalent of hearing, “Yo ... can we meet some time? I just really respect your grind and vision and want to build with you,” while you’re at a party

16. A Naked Juice that got self-conscious and put some clothes on

17. Gospel Rap

18. The sugar-free version of White Tears that you decided to try because your doctor is concerned with your moderately high blood pressure and you’re scared of Lisinopril side-effects


19. Surprisingly weak dap from a nigga with brolic forearms

20. Gluten-free amniotic fluid

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)

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La Croix and vodka is only two points on weight watchers so leave me alone.